Mary says...

dagnabbit

2010-06-13T18:02:00.001-07:00

I really want to bake! I mean bake well. Bake super deliciously yummy things that make people call me up and say, "Mary, can you please make some of those cookies for my sister's brother's baby shower? You know those super yummy delicious one's you made that time back then??"

I keep practicing.

So far, I have mastered nothing.

I thought that I'd gotten banana bread down pretty well. I was making some mini muffins for G about once a week since he won't eat fruit any other way except for applesauce. Understand I said thought, that was until last week when I made some muffins and they are weird! Hard, tough, gooey on top. Just not yummy. What is up!?!

Tonight I made these

and, well, I don't know. I was just disappointed. They are ok. But not the oowy, gooey deliciousness (are we noticing a trend here with that word?) that I was expecting and waiting for. And mind you, I think this has everything to do with the baker and not the recipe or Browneyedbaker and her delicious recipes.

I think I over cooked them, which is probably a habit in my kitchen. I often forget to set a timer. I also get sidetracked and then rush back into the kitchen knocking over anything in my way to hurl open the oven door with a "shit, I burned it again" and wrinkled nose.

Perhaps some of those reasons above are why I tend not to get the final result that I am wanting when baking. I have made these improvements recently, however.

1- reading the recipe before begining.

2 - RE-reading the recipe just to be sure I actually paid attention.

3 - using the ingedients the recipe actually calls for instead of what I happen to have on hand that "could do".

4 - following the recipe.

Those four, small concessions have really made a world of difference. I have managed to make a few yummy things in the past few months. However, I really need one of these to make baked goods that come out like the recipe.

Don't you think?

Instead of this which I am currently using?

Right?? Hint, hint. :-)

Ok, gonna go eat some of those cookies now and see what a big glass of milk does to my attitude about them.

Night.

~m.

Well?

2010-06-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

So I have done it again. I haven't blogged in ages. And wanna know what motivated me to post? I looked at my blog and saw that horrible background!?! Why didn't any of you harass me until I changed it?? Well no thanks to you, I changed it anyway. Thanks for tolerating it this long?

A few random thoughts for this Thursday evening:

My legs hurt. This whole training-for-a-half-marathon thing is hard work. I did 5 miles on Tuesday and could only pump out 4 today. I am sitting with ice on my knee as I write. But hey, it was 99 friggin degress today! For cryin out loud!

Griffin has just begun to get nutty. If I thought he was nutty before, I was wrong. Dead wrong. He is climbing onto everything that looks remotely dangerous and trying to make it move. The back of the couch, the stroller that lives in the corner of the dining room, chairs, you name it....

I cannot believe it's June. Already. Where did the first half of the year go??

I need to win the lottery. Perhaps I should buy a ticket?

I am thankful for my wonderful hubby everyday. He is the jam. He is tolerating me working late, meeting the team for running and still makes us dinner and opens my wine and brings me booboo beans for my knee and well... I could keep that list going for a day and a half. Or maybe longer. Maybe that's a good idea for a Father's day post - 100 Reasons Why I Love My Husband? I'd better start on that yesterday. Anyone got any other ideas??? :-)

I'm attempting to watch this new show called "The Good Guys" on dvr. It looked so stinkin funny but is ridiculous and it has this horrible gun shot sound after each scene change. I should just turn off the dvr and change the channel, but I'm blogging here people!!

I love little sayings people come up with instead of cursing. They make me laugh. Cheeseandrice! Shutthefrontdoor! Hotdangit! Ok so that list was really lame, but they do really make me laugh. I wish I could remember to use them instead of the real deal. It's so trashy and a horrible example to set for my little man. I am just sure his first word (Read REAL word) will be something that makes my Mother blush. Sorry Tutu. We're working on our trash mouths.

Ok, that was enough nonsense for one evening. Gonna change this stupid friggin show and maybe read a book. Oh and Ju - you are right- this book is really not a good one. Who wrote this, for reals?? It is, just, well, weird. I dunno.

Anyway, my loyal readers (all three of you) thanks for stopping by and reading my nonsense. Love ya lots. (A little high school cheese for you)

~m.

Whew!

2010-04-23T08:10:00.000-07:00

All is good in the hood. Thanks for the thoughts, prayers and concern.

~m.

Because I don't have the guts to say it to her face

2010-04-22T20:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is scan day. Man I hate those days. Barium milkshake for breakfast is really the least of the problem. Read on to learn more..

Flash back to two weeks ago: I realized that my scan was falling on the morning of a meeting I really wanted to attend. So I made a simple call to my Oncologists office to see about postponing the appointmen

t to a later time. I didn't want

to change the day really, at least not by more than a week, because it takes a lot of mental preparation to get ready for this day. So I called and spoke with Sherry whom I have spoken with a number of times.

She is always pleasant in person. Not always so much on the phone, but whatevs.

So Sherry answers with all the usual pleasantries and niceties that are involved and I am my usual syrupy, sweet Southern girl that tends to get me what I need in telephone conversations.

I start in with "Well Hey Sherry! Are you enjoying all this wonderful weather? I bet you already have such a great tan, you always do!" Blah and blah and so forth.

Well after I get to the meat of my reason for calling, Sherry replies with "Now you know how much we love changing around appointments over here..."

I stopped short for a second, but picked up again with the syrupy sweet, need-to-get-my-way and agreed apologetically. Long story condensed into some chicken noodle soup for ya, I didn't move the appointment, was gonna be next month and....it's still tomorrow.

Flash forward to present: it's the day before my scan and all the worries and doubts and dread and nausea and tears have set in. I do the usual thinking, while bathing Griffin and rocking him to sleep - of, will I get news tomorrow that I am full of poisonous cells again and he won't know me when he's 6? I know that is crazy dramatic, but people...that's just honest.

Ok I've pulled myself together enough now to tell you the reason I'm so pissed. I've been replaying that conversation over and over again today. Except here's how it goes in my messed up little head:

Sherry: "You know how we just love changing around appointments over here..."

Me: "Well you just know how much I love coming up there every six months to find out if I've got cancer again..." Take that stanky ho.

Well - of course that isn't how it went down. And since my time machine is broken and Griffin dropped the knobblefidgetabgeldkin tool down the toilet, it ain't getting fixed anytime soon (crying makes me silly).

So I've been laying in bed trying to get some sleep and just can't. I want to walk in there tomorrow and say to Sherry some poetic diatribe along these lines:

Sherry, when we spoke last week you really were unkind. I realize that your day to say job here is demanding and non-stop with Doctors and Patients and Families all demanding that you Do This and Know This and Fix That. I realize that it's not an easy job and if most often goes unthanked. I recall that you have made my life easier on a number of occasions by picking up that handset and calling some other Scheduler across the land and getting me all squared away for test number 267 and that helped me so much.

But consider this - everyday many of us walk through those doors having no idea what we will hear from those White Coats behind you. For me it has just about been enough time for me to forget the fear and dread and nausea and tears that go along with these visits. Yet it hasn't been quite enough time and yet here I am again. Waiting. Drinking milkshakes. Getting blood drawn. Looking at weird black and white pictures of my insides that Rorschach would truly have a ball with.

And all I asked was that we TRY and change the time.

Maybe it was my birthday the next day. Or my anniversary. Or my little boy's first trip to the zoo - and I hadn't realized when I'd scheduled this terribleawfulscan. Maybe I don't want to feel this way before I take him to the zoo. Or the night of my birthday party. Or anniversary dinner. Maybe, just maybe, I don't want to dread hearing "The News" on THIS day. And I think that is important for you to consider. WE are coming to get news that will ultimately change our lives - regardless of their kind.

Maybe I will cherish the ride home with the windows down because I have, again, escaped the claws of the Terrible-C Monster. Or maybe...well I am choosing not to think of the other maybe. I've just cleaned up the tears off the keyboard, after all.

Anyway, I know that I will never say any of those things tomorrow. Or any other day for that matter. I will walk in and be all sweet and show a strong face for Sherry and Isha and Ms. Hattie. Because that's what you do. But I will sob the whole way there, cuz that's what I do. At least I remember to ask someone to go with me this time.

Well, I guess I should try and sleep now. Maybe I will feel a little better knowing I got that off of my chest and at least said it to someone.

Maybe Sherry visits blogspot....?

I'm just going to leave you with this one last thing that I learned from this whole experience. I am going to try very hard to put myself in others shoes a little more often. I certainly don't always know why someone is asking something of me, but maybe I don't need to know the reason, maybe I just need to do. Maybe, just maybe, that's the point.

~m.

Pajamma's

2010-04-10T18:06:00.000-07:00

I have no clue why the title of this blog is pajamma's except that maybe I really want to go put mine on? However, I'm much too lazy for that. Instead, I'll blog!! I've really got no ideas to blog about this wonderfully, breezy Saturday evening, so it'll just be randomness. Can ya dig it?

I've just finished reading the first two book is Stieg Larson's "The girl.." books. They are awesome!! I am drooling to get my hands on the third, but it's not being released here in the states 'til May 25th! Thank goodness Ju has a pal across the pond who was kind enough to send her their version and she's a swell gal and is going to let me borrow it! Now I've just got to be patient until she's done....

My kid is the cutest kid. He is now doing summersaults on the bed and then bursting into hysterical belly-giggles. That's the stuff that makes all the sleepless nights, temper-tantrums and scream-filled car rides all worth it. Little knucklehead.

My Grandpa rocks. Check out this story about him. Griff and I went to my Moms to hang out with The Bopster today. He is not feeling so hot and it makes me really sad. But he still can eat up some silver bells. That's fo sho.

I really love having friends over for dinner. Especially when I don't have to do the cooking. I am one spoiled little lady, for all those of you who didn't already know that. Larry cooked up some yumtastic (that word goes out to my homey Patrick) grub. Jerk chicken, firecracker shrimp, grilled asparagus and couscous. YUMMMMMMMM!

I think I need my gallbladder taken out. I am serious. To all of you who are shaking your head and mocking my hypochondriacal nature right now, hush up. You'll all feel bad when I'm right and then you'll have to bring me homemade chicken noodle soup.

Larry dropped-in the deep end of the pool. He's really stoked. Jeff was threatening to tell on him. That part makes me laugh. I am really stoked, too. That's pretty rad stuff.

Ever since I had Griffin, anything and everything makes me cry. I had it bad before, but good grief! This is getting ridiculous.

I am now going to get those pajammas, friends. Good night all and as always, thanks for reading!

~m.

Try, try and try again.

2010-03-16T18:18:00.001-07:00

I recently met up with two old friends from high school. One lives in New York and has a little wild man near about G's age (actually only about two weeks younger)! We chatted briefly about Mom stuff and baby stuff and then we talked about our blogs. Except I didn't have much to say except that I am the slackest blogger that possibly blogs. (Does that even make any sense?) Anyhoo, so Amber and I shared blog addresses and other high-tech ways to contact one another and I then proceeded to make a (sort-of) promise. While I didn't say "I promise", I did say "I will" update my blog every Sunday so we can stay in contact. Now I am really bad with time, but I am fairly sure I have let SEVERAL weeks go by without even one new Sunday post. On my or Griffin's blog.

How slack is that!?

I am now going to try really hard to do this. I mean, every Sunday. How hard is that? I can take 20 minutes to post a little something or a little picture or a funny quip of the day, right?

I sho is gonna try.

And for today I thought I would take a minute to relay something that is making me nuts: these crappy allergies! Man, I cannot breathe or stop sneezing! And poor little man has some red rimmed eyes himself. He seems to have inherited more than just Momma's allergies.

That leads me to another thing (geeez, I'd forgotten how easy this whole blogging thing is!)! G-man is finally saying Momma! It is the best sound in the whole entire world. He says it mostly after he gives me those sweet little kisses of his. That's his other new thing: holding Momma's cheeks and smooching away. Man, that is just the best thing ever!

Til next Sunday (and don't hold me to that to strictly, ok?)

~m.

A Great Day

2009-11-07T18:44:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days that makes your heart swell.

Have you had one of those days? Where you smile inside and out? At just about anything?

Well that was today. We went to Holly Hill, where my Grandparents live. It was my Grandfather's "Boppy" birthday this past Tuesday and almost the entire family drove down, over and up today to help him do some yard work. Boppy used to have the most beautiful yard. It is still quite nice but he began losing his sight about 10 years ago and he hasn't been able to work in the yard like he's used to for a number of years. We gathered this morning with our shovels and rakes, edgers and mowers, trimmers and gloves and went to work. And man did we work hard. All day. And when he got home Lar and I walked him around the house and described all the things we'd done and where all the pine straw was piled and which shrubs we'd trimmed or left. It was a wonderful thing to be with my family and to be doing something that was so appreciated.

As I worked around in the yard that day, I had little memories that came back to me here and there and my heart just swelled with love for my family.

I remember swinging as high as I could on the old, now rusted swing set with Boppy pushing my lightly as I screamed "higher Boppy, higher!!".

I remembered getting paid a nickel for picking up pine cones during the fall months. A nickel! (And just so you know, Boppy can't see much but he can tell if there are any dadgum pine cones in the yard!).

I remembered Boppy always asking us if we "wanted to go behind the woodshed" when we were acting up. I never had to go back there and I was sure afraid of what was back there. Even today, as I was loading garden tools back into that old shed I had a twinge of fear for what was behind it. It sits open in the yard and looks back onto the neighbors Camilias and Azaleas but I still won't wander back there.

After we all got cleaned up we went out for the world's best Barbeque (Anthony Bourdain agrees so it must be true). Riding there I was sitting in the back and Griffin was flirting with his Momma like the sweet little Angel he is. He loves Eskimo Kisses these days and he was smiling and giggling and melting my heart with each slight curl of his lips and little brush of his nose. I sometimes can't believe how much I love him.

It's the most amazing thing to love someone that much. And I am so grateful for him every day.

So grateful for every day that he makes my heart swell and my mind fill the sweetness of love. I am grateful for family and giving a great gift to someone who is always appreciative no matter what you are giving.

Love you Boppy and love you family. All of you.

~m.

The Cats Meow

2009-11-04T18:07:00.001-08:00

Well seein' as how this blog began as a way for me to keep everyone posted on the cancer shmancer situation, I suppose I ought' ta tell you about my most recent scan. I am still having them every six months and they are still the bane of my existence. It seems that just about the time (approximately every 5 months and 3 weeks) I start relaxing and getting on with my new cancer-free life, LOW AND BEHOLD my electronic brain (cause I lost large chunks to chemo and even larger chunks to baby so nothin' sticks) dings to remind me it's time for another scan. And then I start to freak. Just a little, but freak I do.

This last scan was probably the worst in a while. I think waking up that morning and getting myself ready while my little man sat watching me, smiling and saying "cooo" and "guh guh" and giggling at Pharis made me scared. It made me scared for the what ifs. The what ifs, well, no need to go there today. It's no secret what the what ifs are. They are pretty simple. And right now life is simple and I like that much better than all those stinky, anxiety-producing what ifs.

I love waking up to a teeny, slobbery mouth attempting to eat my nose like some warm apple pie.

I love snuggling a sleeping baby in the rocking chair while he sighs without a care in the world.

I love watching a Daddy and His Boy giggle at one another with pure delight.

I DON'T love getting my blood drawn and my veins filled with 'dye' and my stomach filled with Barium Sulphate. Those things I do not love at all.

This particular morning I awoke, as I said above, with my panties in a real wad, if you will. I was not a happy girl and could hardly get myself showered, dressed and ready. I had not planned ahead. I had not asked anyone to go with me. I was scared shitless (sorry Mom). I thought I would be fine while getting the scan and Mom would meet me there for the results (thank Pete they don't make you wait ages and ages and tell you within a decent amount of time). But as I got into the car, I just couldn't do it. But I called Mom to formulate a plan of timing her arrival so she would miss the least amount of time from work - determined to be a big girl and 'handle it'. Well handle it I did not. I fell apart. I cried and sobbed and blubbered. And my Mom said "Shug, I am coming. Now. I will meet you there". And so then I cried some more. And arrived and my Momma was there. I was a lot less scared. A lot. She sat with me and waited on me and drank some coffee with me (when I was finally allowed to drink or eat!) and chatted while we waited for the new doc (Dr. M) to give us the news. Thank Pete for my Momma. No CLUE what I would do with out her. Momma - you are the bees knees. The cats pajamas. The BEST MOM IN THE WORLD.

All that said - the next thing was waiting for the new and buddy, that is torturous! But thankfully, as all of my post scans have been, it was clean. A little question that my OB is going to look at but other than that, we are all good. So now for 5 months and 3 weeks I can get back to being me. Cancer free me. Mom me. Wife me and all the me's there are. So I am gonna get on that. First step of this evening? Get my fanny in the bed. Thanks for listening.

~m.

Quickie

2009-09-24T18:08:00.001-07:00

So I forgot how much I enjoy blogging. I realize I do that every time. I will blog and blog and come here and vent or scream or brag or whatever and then I will forget and abandon my poor blog for no good reason other than being lazy.

Well not tonight. I am waiting for the DVR to get a little ways into Grey's so I can avoid the commercials and find out who it is since it isn't George and I said to myself, "self, go blog real quick and complain about the numbskulls you dealt with today". So here I is. Gonna do some complaining for a hot minute until I can miss at least one commercial or so....

Today I went to talk with the Mother and boyfriend of a young lady I work with. She's got some issues and lord-a-mercy so do they. I was just awe struck at this Mother and what she DID NOT want for her child. Like for example, a HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION. Or the ability to get a decent job and take care of herself. I felt like crying, screaming and choking this woman all at the same time! It was truly appalling. I continue to be amazed at the human beings I encounter in this crazy line of work I have decided to make my career. I rode all the way home from Aiken today wondering how in the world I will continue to do this year after year or even day after day.

And then I thought of a little girl I work with now who is already making great strides in her life just from my helping the people in her life understand her needs a little better. And another kid who figured out how to see himself as someone who CAN instead of someone who CAN'T and he helped his football team score a touchdown for the first time ever! Things like that make day to day craziness and parents-who-need-not-have-ever-been-parents a little more tolerable. I know that tomorrow I can get up and start all over because there are good things in the world and good people and good food and good books and good music and good all around us. I caught myself saying in the car today "there is just so much wrong in the world". I hope everyone can find something to help them shake that feeling when it settles in and say, "but there is also so much right and beautiful and wonderful and yummy and delicious and loverly and fabulous.

Maybe my next blog will be me making a list of some of those wonderfully fabulous things. We'll see about that. For now, I am going to find out who the he$& is NOT GEORGE!!!

Love and smooches,

~m.

Holy Smokes!

2009-09-20T17:52:00.001-07:00

It has been ages and ages since I last wrote a blog. What has been going on? Well I would imagine that you all have a good idea. Today Griffin is 7 months old and quite a wild man. He is sitting up and wanting very much to be crawling but can't quite figure it out yet. He is also trying to pull up on everything but hasn't got quite enough strength. He is giggling at everything though and there are times when the three of us sit around and laugh and laugh and laugh. There is nothing like it. Hearing those little giggles and watching him get so excited that he squeals with delight. I love it!

We went away this weekend for a short little getaway with the Choplin crew - PJ, Mary Coker and Elliot. A friend Laura joined us as well and fun was had by all. But there was one thing most amazing about this weekend. Perhaps amazing isn't the best word to use but I had such a wonderful time with my little one. I realized for possibly the hundredth time since he arrived, that he is my favorite person in the world. There were a few times this weekend when I just took him out for a walk so I could have him all to myself. He is so smiley these days and loves to hug his Momma. A few times he and I went to sit down stairs (where it was nice and cool as the upstairs was HOTT!!) and we just laughed and played and it was the best stuff ever. Being a Mom is more than I could have ever imagined. There are times when just looking at that little monkey makes my heart wrench and my eyes fill with tears. This weekend held a few of those moments and they were wonderful. Better than wonderful. They were spectacular. I can't wait to continue watching Griffin grow and change and learn and giggle some more. And those giggles... :)

Here are two pics from this weekend:

VACATION!!

2009-06-11T19:08:00.001-07:00

Well its summer time and beach, here we come! We usually don't head to the beach until July when we head down with the family. I have been making that same trip for my entire life and the last 26 years to the same house. In the beginning my entire family was there, but we have grown so much we have to split the trip up with two weeks and only some of us go. One of these days (when someone wins the lottery or my brother becomes a rich doctor - which ever happens first) we (or he) will buy a house large enough for all 29 of us to come. That would be something, I tell ya. A house full of crazy's. Whew.

Anyway, this vacation is with Ju and Steven, our favorite people from down Charleston way. They have rented an amazing house in Clearwater Florida (a place I have never visited!!) and invited the three of us down. Now, I have watched my cousins, aunts, Mom and other peoples pack for beach trips with kids. I have noted they carried enough stuff to sustain them for what I thought was surely a month (it was a week or less) and sniggered. Well snigger I should not have. I have been packing for days and still don't have it all. Trying to make sure I will take everything little man needs is not an easy task. (Don't ask about our first trip out of town with him - the only thing I remembered to pack for myself was underwear. Had to get a new toothbrush when we got there!). The worst part is, the house has almost everything one could need for a baby excepting the baby himself. I'm talkin the swings, monitors, boppy's, bumbo's, excersaucers (I am not making up any of those things, btw - they are all necessary baby items, just ask Larry). Our car will still be filled to the brim with all make and model of baby entertainment.

So now that we have him all packed and ready to go (and hopefully will remember at least bathing suits and toothbrushes for ourselves) we will begin the 8 hour journey (if we are lucky) to get there. Mind you, Griffin's longest car trip has been to and from Seneca, SC which is about 5 hours total. He slept most of the way there (it was nap time) and all the way home (it was waaay past bedtime). The trip we are about to take will span across all of those except bed time. Man, I am sooooooo hoping he does not decide to scream bloody murder the entire way there. If he does, Ju and Steven may be babysitting when we arrive while we bury our heads in the sand. Ok, teasing about that last part. Sort of.

Anyway, I will be back sometime in the near future to update you all on how this road trip goes. We have toys, a DVD player with tons of Baby Einstein's and some They Might be Giants in the hopes that we can keep him occupied. We. Shall. See. Wish us luck!

Here's a lil pic of the cowboy himself. Ain't he cute?

rainy day copy-cat

2009-05-11T18:34:00.000-07:00

Well I'm off today and it's raining and Griff is sleeping so I am stealing Judi's quiz and doing it here. I am bored and refusing to do the 4 loads of laundry that have piled up or unload the dishwasher and reload it or go clean the bathrooms. So instead I am doing this quiz. Yay for doing nothing!

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed? we're lazy so they stay open.

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel? definitely! I love them?

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out? In. Must be in. And must be neatly in.

Have you ever stolen a street sign before? Not alone but with friends. Is there a statute of limitations on that?

Do you like to use post-it notes? Sure, as long as they stay sticky.

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them? Clip'em. Rarely remember to use'em.

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees? Well I am deathly allergic to bees so guess either way I'm screwed. Maybe the bees would be less scary but more drawn out?

Do you have freckles? Only those kind you get from getting sun burned.

Do you always smile for pictures? Yes.

What is your biggest pet peeve? Gosh, I have so many! Rudeness.

Do you ever count your steps when you walk? No.

Have you ever peed in the woods? Many times.

What about pooped in the woods? Yup.

Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing? Totally.

Do you chew your pens and pencils? I catch myself every now and then.

How many people have you slept with this week? Three (Mom and Griff count, right?)

What size is your bed? KING. LOVE my bed. (ditto Judi!)

What is your Song of the week? It's been "you are my sunshine" ever since Griffin was born. I NEED A NEW SONG!

Is it okay for guys to wear pink? Sure.

Do you still watch cartoons? No, but I guess I will soon start!

Whats your least favorite movie? Any of those dumb movies. Maybe it's Strange Wilderness? The worst of the worst!

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some? Why would I share that?? (I am with you on this thought Judi)

What do you drink with dinner? Usually water.

What do you dip a chicken nugget in? Nothing. I like'em plain.

What is your favorite food? Mexican!

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? Steel Magnolias, Legally Blonde (all of them), Breakfast Club, The Jerk.

Last person you kissed/kissed you? Griffin

Were you ever a boy/girl scout? Nope.

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine? Not any more.

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper? A letter? Gosh, ages.

Can you change the oil on a car? Probably could figure it out. I've helped before.

Ever gotten a speeding ticket? When I was 16.

Ran out of gas? no

Favorite kind of sandwich? A panini with turkey, brie, avocado and tomatoes.

Best thing to eat for breakfast? Hmmm, tie between huevos rancheros and eggs in a basket.

What is your usual bedtime? Sleep time? 10ish?

Are you lazy? Less so since bambino arrived, but yes.

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween? Dorothy from Wizard of Oz

What is your Chinese astrological sign? Horse?

How many languages can you speak? Two

Do you have any magazine subscriptions? Reader's Digest.

Which are better legos or lincoln logs? Legos! (definitely!)

Are you stubborn? Ridiculously so.

Who is better...Leno or Letterman? Letterman

Ever watch soap operas? Not in years.

Afraid of heights? Nope.

Sing in the car? Always.

Dance in the shower? When I am awake enough, yes.

Dance in the car? Sometimes.

Ever used a gun? Once with my Dad when I was 12ish.

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer? I guess Easter, if Larry counts as a photographer.

Do you think musicals are cheesy? Usually, but I like them anyway.

Is Christmas stressful? No, it's the best.

Ever eat a pierogi? Yummm, yes!

Favorite type of fruit pie? Apple is the only kind I like.

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? Professional Roller Skater, News Anchor (possibly just anyone on TV) and Teacher.

Do you believe in ghosts? yep.

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? Quite often.

Take a vitamin daily? Sometimes.

Wear slippers? Almost always.

Wear a bath robe? Usually only on two occasions: in the mountains and when G is screaming and I have to jump out of the shower with shampoo in my hair!

What do you wear to bed? T-shirt.

First concert? NKOTB baby.

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart? Target all the way.

Nike or Adidas? New balance?

Cheetos Or Fritos? Cheetos! Both!

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds? Peanuts.

Ever hear of the group Tres Bien? NO?

Ever take dance lessons? When I was a little girl and I stunk!

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing? Umm, I'm married, so no?

Can you curl your tongue? Yep.

Ever won a spelling bee? I don't think so, I have always been a terrible speller.

Have you ever cried because you were so happy? Without a doubt.

Own any record albums? Quite a few.

Own a record player? I think it's around here somewhere.

Regularly burn incense? No.

Ever been in love? Right now!

Who would you like to see in concert? Gosh, where should I start; Coldplay, Patty Griffin Neil Diamond...

What was the last concert you saw? Bruce Spingsteen.

Hot tea or cold tea? Depends on my mood.

Sugar or snickerdoodles? Snickerdoodles.

Can you swim well? Not really.

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose? Just finally mastered it this summer!

Are you patient? Sadly I am incredibly IMpatient.

DJ or band, at a wedding? Definitely the band.

Ever won a contest? When I was in highschool I won FISH tickets in a drawing, does that count?

Ever have plastic surgery? No

Which are better black or green olives? Green.

Can you knit or crochet? Both.

Best room for a fireplace?l Cozy den.

Do you want to get married? Already am.

Who was your HS crush? Lar - we've been dating since then!

Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way? Larry would probably say sometimes.

Do you have kids? A baby boy.

What's your favorite color? Blue.

Do you miss anyone right now? Not at this moment.

Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX? Nope, don't do the reality shows.

Well, that was fun! Thanks for sharing Ju!

~m.

2009-05-07T19:29:00.001-07:00

It's been a long time (relatively speaking) since I have thought about my chemo treatments. Really thought about them, anyway. Watching Grey's Anatomy tonight sent me back there. Certainly there were so many aspects of it all that were incredibly difficcult and painful but one more so than the rest by far. Losing my hair. Watching the end of the show tonight when Izzy started to tug at her hair and cry I had this rush of emotion come over me. I began to cry and continued to cry. I was flooded by the memory of the day when Larry shaved my head. Not the fun day with all my friends when we did mohawks and buzzed it, but the sad emotional day when he took it all off. It was just the two of us and I cried for hours I think. It was the most difficult day of my entire life and it was just hair! Watching again tonight as Alex removed her scarf and told her she was beautiful was gut wrentching. Is it completely bizarre that TV can do this to us? I have no idea, but it did. It's made me think again about how wonderful my family and friends were during that time and it's made me remember how hard that all was. I sent out the warmest thoughts I could send to all the people who are facing the same thing right now. I am now more than one year with my new hair and nearly two years in remission (this November!) and a Mom. How amazing is that!?

~m.

back to work

2009-05-03T14:42:00.001-07:00

Today marks the end of my first week back to work. I woke up bright and early on Monday (cause Griffin rarely sleeps past 7:30 anyway) and got myself showered, dressed and fed. I was on my way out the door, had kissed my baby and my hubby and was feeling pretty good about it all. I closed the front door with coffee and work bag (recently cleaned out and filled with the neccessities) and realized I had forgotten my sunglasses. Opened the door and there they were. Hubby holding screaming baby, both still in their jammies. I quickly got that overwhelming sensation of being about to hurl your breakfast all over the place. Ever had that feeling? Well it lasted nearly all day and that is never a pleasant thing! I kissed baby and hubby again and hurled (myself, not my breakfast) back out the front door as quick as I could before I was forced (by the universe) to call my boss and quit my job to never leave my baby again. Once I got into the car and reached my first appointment of that day, I was starting to feel a bit better. As I mentioned earlier, the nausea didn't lift until later that afternoon, but as the morning wore on I started to feel like I was getting my groove back. So I know I'm not Stella and I ain't lookin for a man, but it was feeling good to use my brain again! After staff meeting I even patted myself on the back since I was still able to hold a conversation in sign language (I was sure I had lost that entirely). After I finally talked to Larry at roughly 12:47 (notice that exact time - I will explain that in a moment) I was able to relax a little and actually get some paper work done. I then called Angie (babysitter and Mom of the Year, ok maybe century) I was really doing better.

So to expound now on that time above: Larry was taking G to meet Angie for the exchange Monday am for the first time and I was insanely nervous about that. I thought that every possible thing would go wrong including G screaming his bloody head off the entire way to Angie's (not a short drive) and her calling to say "Thanks for the first and last day of babysitting - I don't need the extra cash this bad" to which I would then have to call my boss and quit my job. Noticing a trend here? Well, Angie didn't call to say that and Larry reported that the exchange went well. Larry's report only came after I CALLED HIM TO ASK! Why is that in all caps you ask? Well it's that way because I remember asking him like 264 times to call me after the exchange for a full and detailed report and he doesn't call!!! Here is our conversation (12:47).

me: "well??!!?"
him: "well, what?"
me: (getting frantic now) "how did it go?!?!?"
him: "how did what go?"
me: (crazy now) Jeeeeeez Larry, how did the exchange goooooo!?!?!"
him: "oh, that. It went fine. he was great. didnt cry at all."
me: (to myself - I COULD JUST CHOKE YOU NOW!) "oh thankgoodnessiwassoworriedandhavefeltlikethrowingupalldayandcouldnoteatlunchortalktoanyone!"
him: "oh sorry didnt realize you were that worried. It was all good darling".

Were he not so sweet and wonderful I would have crawled through the phone and choked him. Ok, so the technology also is still not ready for that one, but I would have sure tried.

Alright so that sums of the first day. The rest of the week went pretty well. G cries a lot on the way home from Angie's but not too bad. I am sure he will just have to get used to that daily drive. Angie told me he does pretty well on the way to her house and if he starts to get upset then they just sing to him! How sweet is that!? Man, family babysitters are sure the way to go. It makes going back to work a whooooole lot easier.

Well, I did realize one thing this week. I am a better Mommy when I work. I missed my baby desperately and when I saw him it nearly made me cry. But I need that time to use my brain, and interact, and breathe. I have waivered on whether or not that makes me a terrible Momma or selfish or any other list of awful things and I have concluded that it doesn't. It makes me human. It makes me smart for knowing what I need so that I can give my baby what he needs. Goes back to that advice Jess gave me a few weeks ago: sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Mommy. This is another one of those situations, I believe. It probably also helps that I get to stay at home with him three mornings a week so it really only feels like I am working part time anyway. That said, I am ready for the second week of work to begin. I like working, I like my job and for that I am grateful. So til next time (or when I have my next nervous breakdown and come here to vent my frustrations)...

as always, thanks for listening.

~m.

Looking back...

2009-04-13T08:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow Larry and I will be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary. I cannot believe it has been 7 years already. I remember when I met him. It was, I think, sometime in 1993. He was sitting on top of one of those blue mail drop box things in 5 points with dredlocks (or a white boys early attempts at the same) and a green shirt. He was swinging his feet and smiling. I was with a friend who knew him so she stopped to say hello. I remember him just looking at me and then saying "you look like a model". It was a few years before we started dating but he certainly had me intrigued and feeling quite flattered. When we finally did begin to date it was several years of on again off again. I was a fickle young thing (not just with boys) and when he didn't behave how I envisioned I would dump him cold heartedly. However, it never lasted very long as we always seemed to run into one another at random parties or shows and were drawn to each other. We would end up sitting and talking for hours and inevitably we would begin dating again. The road that led us to our marriage was long and adventure filled. We both did some much needed growing up during those years. I knew that. Yet, yesterday when Larry was helping me get myself together after a day filled with tears over a baby who always seems to be in pain, he reminded me of something. He reminded me of all we've been through the last two years and all the craziness we have survived. Together. If I thought we'd done some growing up during our dating years, it was nothing compared to the last two. If I thought we had made big strides in getting married and buying our first house, I was mistaken. Yes those things were what grown-ups do and we did them successfully. But they are nothing compared to battling cancer, fertility games and then baby. I feel like the last two years of our marriage have both flown by and crawled at a snails pace all at the same time. Is that even possible? Who knows, but that's how it feels. I am so thrilled to be celebrating this anniversary with my sweet husband this year. While we likely will not do much of anything different than our normal night at home (considering we have a bambino that still isn't happy with his eating situation) and we aren't getting one another some big elaborate gift, it will surely be the best anniversary yet. We have more to celebrate this year than any other. We have survived more than many couples do over the lifetime of their marriage and we did it mostly with smiles and hugs for one another. I was thinking yesterday how lucky I am to have a husband and father for my little boy. I am not sure how single moms do it when they have a little one. His support and encouragement are often the only way I get through a day. Here's to Larry and here's to us. Happy Anniversary to us. Seven years is nothing to shake a stick at, that's for sure. Larry, you aren't itching are you?

~m.

Everything is alright.

2009-04-02T17:00:00.001-07:00

I know you will all be blown away at me posting twice (that's right, TWICE!) in one day, but folks, today has been one of those days. I was just sitting in the nursery enjoying the fading light that is dusk rocking my sweet baby and listening to the sounds of my home. I heard Larry cooking up some of the wonderful goodness he so graciously prepares for us on a regular basis. I heard my puppies walking around the house going from kitchen doorway to kitchen doorway hoping Larry would drop something and they could sneak in and grab a taste. I heard James Taylor singing a wonderful cover of Up on the Roof. I heard my sweet angel boy breathing the breathes of one who has felt icky and finally has fallen asleep and feels better. I heard my soul saying that all is right with the world. Today I have been able to make the toughest decision (see previous post) in my life and for once I know it was the right one. I feel better. I feel calmer. I feel right. And I also feel love. Sitting in that nursery that was built/decorated/designed by the hands of many wonderful, loving, amazingly supportive people in anticipation of the arrival of a miracle baby, I was overcome with the feelings of love. Again I am engulfed with the knowledge of how incredibly lucky I am. Love. All you need is love. The Beatles knew exactly what they were singing about.

thanks for listening again.
~m.

Decisions, decisions...

2009-04-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

So if any of you have read my "about me" section you know that I am not so great with making decisions. I tend to waiver, waffle, go back and forth, weigh the options, make a list and check it seventeen thousand times. It really is a painful process to watch (and experience of course). Painful because after all that I often doubt the decision I finally made. Is it the right one? Am I sure it is best? I tell you all of this because I have been in the process of making the most difficult decision yet. I thought that deciding to harvest my eggs before chemo was tough. I thought choosing whether or not to move to Utah when I was 21 was tough. I could go on and on about all these things I was unsure of in my past but none compares to this. So far, in my lengthy 6 weeks of parenthood, I have realized that every decision I will make pertaining to this beautiful little boy who recently entered my life will be painstaking and I will be riddled with self-doubt. I am used to that feeling - the self-doubt deal- but now it is even worse! I have known for years that I am the essence of a Libra (as a general rule I follow this stuff only when it suits me or has some interesting insight that I like) in that we are the scales. We weigh everything. We try to make the best decision for all involved and often forget about ourselves in that process. That is what I am facing these days. I feel incredibly selfish for thinking of myself. Oh the libra guilt. What a pain in the arse that is.

So what is this big decision you ask? Nursing. Breast-feeding. Giving my baby all the best. "Mother and baby need to be together early and often to establish a satisfying relationship..." (says the leading source of breast-feeding information-La Leche League). E

verywhere a new mom turns there is stuff about how breast-feeding is the only and best way to feed one's baby. Certainly there are support systems everywhere and support groups and lactation consultants and phone numbers and books and on and on and on and that is all fine and well and good, but. But, then there are days when you are sitting at home alone feeding a baby and he is fussing and unhappy and crying with his super-cute-but-pouty-and-breaking-your-heart-bottom-lip sticking out and you just cry and cry and cry. And you ask yourself over and over is this really the best? Sure I guess there are more people I could call and more books I could read and meetings I could attend to see how to fix it and make feeding less traumatic for both of us but then, then I talk to Jess and she says the wisest thing she has ever told me (and Jess has told me some wise things in our 16 years of friendship). What did she say, you ask? Well, she said "sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma". I thought about this for several days and it rings so true. Is it really best for anyone involved (babies, husbands, co-workers, bosses, partners, friends) to continue doing something that seems painful and stressful for all involved? Absolutely breast-feeding is great for baby and provides him the best protection against illness and allows for incredible bonding for Mom and Baby. I won't argue that for a second, but how does one weigh that against sanity? Confidence against self-doubt? Lack of sleep against confusion and frustration? Well friends I can tell you that I weighed it and I decided that Jess was right. Sometimes what is best for baby is what is best for Momma. And what is best for this Momma is to wean this baby. Crying over nursing my baby is just not worth it. He's had the 6 weeks that they (who, exactly?) say are so critical and it was a long road. The bonding was incredible and I will miss that intimate and close time that nursing brings. Being the sole provider of nutrition for a baby is both a daunting and amazingly humbling experience. I will treasure for the rest of my life how incredible it is/was to be able to quiet your baby just by picking him up because he knows I have what he needs and wants. Just the smell of me was/is calming and soothing and that is a feeling like no other. Can I really give that up? Can I really think we can have that same relationship when there is a bottle involved? I am going to have to. Griffin actually helped me make this exceedingly difficult decision last night after hours of tears and turmoil. I was feeding him a bottle that I'd pumped (since I can't seem to fill him up only nursing him I was pumping so I could see how much he was actually getting) and he looked up at me with those big, bright, beautiful, blue eyes and smiled. He smiled while milk was flowing from his mouth and then tightened his grip on my finger. It was in that moment that I realized that breast, bottle, sippy cup or spoon, I will always he his Momma and how he gets his food will never change that.

The following came from an email from my yoga instructor (whom I have not seen in ages but hope to see very soon!) from her weekly reading. At the end of each session during shavasana, which is that last asana, or pose that we do, there is always a reading to end our practice. I received this email from Maxine who does not ordinarily email her readings but said she had a special request for this one. How interesting that is applies so well to what I am blogging about here today. Not directly related but it is about decisions none the less and I wanted to share it with you. I truly believe that we decide how each day will go for us. We can chose a good day or a bad day all by how we look at the what is in front of us. I try to remind myself of that on those really crummy days. So, friends, here are my parting words to you today. From Maxine (maybe you can each come and join us for a class sometime soon, it truly is wonderful and I have missed it so!):

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.

In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a situation is escalated or de-escalated, and a person humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

I wish you all luck in making any decisions you have to make. Be it kind of pizza or life changing.

until next time,

~m.

Sleepy time

2009-03-20T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ok I realize this is going to throw everyone for a loop that I have posted TWICE in one week, but I have had some time (I also took a long hot bath in my jacuzzi tub and painted both my toes and my fingernails!!) so I decided to post again. Not so long ago I took some photos of my little bug sleeping cuz he just looks so dad-gum peaceful. Then a few days later he was fighting sleep as hard as he could one mornin and his wonderful Dad scooped him up so I could grab some cereal and pump a little before he had to head to work. He had a full belly and had hardly slept the night before so I figured he was sleepy but I wasn't able to make it happen. Larry grabbed him up and they sat next to me on the couch. The next thing I knew they were both snoozing peacefully awaiting the cutest picture on the face of the planet to be taken. The entire time I was pregnant I just could not wait to snap a picture of a little teeny tiny baby sleeping on his Daddy's chest. And here I had my first opportunity! I intend to snap these whenever the chance arises but wanted to go ahead and share this one with you. Don't you wish we could all still curl up on the chest of someone we know loves us more than anything in the world? Boy, I sure do.

3am thoughts

2009-03-19T09:01:00.001-07:00

So there I was sitting in the nursery feeding my incredibly, always, hungry baby boy and had some thoughts. First I thought about how amazing it is to be a Mom. I thought about how I have a different perspective on love now and I feel like I likely never really knew what it was before he came into my(our) life. Thinking of him sparks a feeling like I never knew existed and just seeing his little face is the most wonderful thing there is. It also makes me realize I have a new kind of love for my own Mom. Maybe it's because I have now experienced the same no-matter-what kind of love that she has for myself and Will. Or maybe its because I now know how much she worries and hurts for us. Either way I love my Momma more than I did before, if that is even possible. Weird? Who knows. But I was also thinking during this late night nursing extravaganza about all the other things I love and was inspired by Juju's lists that she writes. So I am here writing my own list. One comprising a few of the things I love:

1. Griffin's pitiful little cry when he is really sleepy. It hurts and elates all at that same time.
2. The crinkles around Larry's eyes when he smiles a really genuine smile.
3. Seeing my Momma.
4. Watching my brother with his nephew and his fiance. Both bring out this amazing peacefulness on his face.
5. The Beach. Any beach at any season during any weather. The smell and the wind make me feel calm, at peace and at home.
6. Chocolate.
7. Seeing my friends and laughing.
8. A really good, yummy, robust red wine.
9. Some cheesy, spicy mexican goodness wrapped in any sort of tortilla with a margarita on the side.
10. Getting a hair cut by someone whose chair you can sit in and say "make me beautiful" and always leave feeling that way.
11. Curling up on the couch with a blanket on a rainy day and watching a movie with Lar.
12. Watching my dogs lay in the grass basking in the sun. What a life!
13. Hearing Griffin's teeny, tiny whimper when he is just finished eating and drifting to sleep.

While I am sure I could drag this list on for ages, I have a little one who is done and ready for some sleep. So...more on all this mushy-gushy love stuff later. You can't wait, can you? :)

~m.

Motherhood

2009-03-04T12:07:00.000-08:00

Well, I have had a few days now of just hanging out with the Griffster. He and I have been sleeping late (we have a few breaks in between these late morning rises) and just staring at each other. He is opening his eyes more each day and even though he really can't see me yet, I feel like he is looking at me. That, my dear friends, is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Seeing those big blue (?) eyes staring at me is indescribable. We've been staying in the bed and napping and eating (both of us since my appetite is insatiable these days!) and loving life. Tuesday I didn't even get out of my pajamas all day and it was wonderful. It was the first day since little man came home that we didn't have guests all day long. Now, I don't want that to sound like we weren't enjoying all of our guests, as we did immensely, but it was so nice to have nothing to do. I finally feel like I am nearly caught up on my rest and recovered from labor. I am getting a teeny bit of cabin fever though but I think that's because I know I can't drive and am stuck waiting for someone to take us some place. Really though I am not sure I am ready to take him anyplace! He still seems to small and fragile and its so damn cold outside! Mom and I are going out and about tomorrow though and I am really excited about that. We plan to go and get me fitted properly for a nursing bra (sorry fella's but here's where I tell the story and that's a big part of this story) and then to Target to get some gifts for Luna and Stella's party. It will be a big day for us tomorrow and I sure hope he doesn't get too tired. We may even stop and get some lunch out! In a restaurant! In public! I am not sure if I will remember how to behave in public!! Ok, so that's silly, but it feels like I have not been in public in forever. I hope I can remember how to put on make-up and fix my hair. Alright, enough of my silliness.

So more about Griff: Larry and I are getting used to his cries and being able to tell what they mean most times, even though we haven't figured out how to fix some of them. He has the cutest little faces that he makes and while he hates having his diaper changed, it is freezing after all, when we are all finished and he is dressed again he looks all around the room with those big eyes wide open and his lips are pursed together. My heart melts instantly and I can't stop looking at him. Yesterday I gave him a little bath (sponged him off really) and left him naked on the towel in the heated bathroom for a minute and he loved it! He hasn't had much time to be a naked baby as our house won't seem to stay as toasty as we'd like and I really think he enjoyed it. He and I sat in there (while I was sweating bullets on the poor kid from the heat mind you) and he was as happy as a clam. I think we will do that each day so he can enjoy some naked baby time. I enjoyed it too as he is the cutest little thing in the world. His little bum is adorable and he has the skinniest little legs and arms. And his feet are just like his Daddy's right down to his big toe. Again, I have gone goo-goo over this baby boy o'mine. Being a Mom is already the coolest thing I have ever done. And watching Larry be a Dad is even cooler. Hearing him talk to Griffin when he is feeding him or changing his diaper brings me near tears every time. He is already the world's best Dad. And I can't wait to continue telling you all about our family. Hope you keep reading!

Love,

~m.

Wowsers!

2009-02-25T15:28:00.001-08:00

Well baby has arrived! And boy is it crazy. Labor and delivery went over without any great hitches - they say farily textbook. Whatever in the world that means. I had my water break - heard that doesnt happen for everyone - had time to shower and then made it to the hospital still having minimal contractions. They gave me pitocin to get things rolling and a mere 11 hours and 45 minutes after that water happening, little man was born. He came out squalling like a little banshee before they even started sucking all that fluid out of his lungs. He was the most beautiful color already and as soon as they cleaned him up (a little bit anyway) and Larry cut the chord (wish I hadn't been to exhausted and overwhelmed to witness that!) they put him on my chest and he instantly quieted. That was the first of many absolutely amazing experiences I have already had in the last 5 days. He is the most incredible thing and has already produced the most incredible worry I could ever imainge!!! The first night home, I slept with the lights on so I could peak into his craddle (which is so close to my bed you could nary fit a sheet of paper between us) and make sure that he hadn't rolled into the side and suffocated himself! By night three at home I have turned off the lights and actually slept on my other side some of the night! Please excuse all the exclamation points, but folks, this stuff is big time and silly little periods just aren't gonna cut it for this blog post.

Anyway, I came here to tell you that he arrived and is healthy, eating like a horse and has already stolen mine and his Daddies hearts and left us awestruck like we could never have imagined. I also wanted to send you the link to his webpage! Yep, you read that right, he has his OWN web site. His Uncle J made it for him and his Daddy already has it up and running. It's http://griffinreaves.com/ and I have a link on the left, with my other favs, so you can keep up with the little cutie pie yourself. Not sure how often I will get here to post in the next few weeks (or years for that matter, as I here those all belong to a little boy named Griffin now) but I will do my best. Come say hi and check out Griff's page when you can!

Til later,
~m.

The times they are a changin'

2009-02-13T19:02:00.001-08:00

So today, I went with my brother while he picked up the engagement ring he plans to present tomorrow. I was thrilled to be able to be there and see it, but all the while I just could not help but think how wild it is. How crazy that in a few short days he will be on his way to being married and in just a few more days (let's hope) I will be a MOM!! I am still having trouble wrapping my brain around both of those life changing events. I still see him as being my little brother who is always coming into my room and asking to hang out. Always (by no fault of his own) making me completely insane. I've watched him get taller, more mature, more wonderful, supportive, and more amazing. But now, he will be getting married! That means he is officially not my little brother anymore. He will soon be moving away to finish school and become the surgeon we have all known he would become. He will have a wife and soon kids. It makes me proud, emotional and excited. Little brother gives ring to girl. Its surreal is what it is folks, that's fo sho.

And then there's me and L and a baby mere days away from making his appearance. That is more than surreal. It's just plain old crazy/scary/wild/insane/cuckoo. Thinking back to the year of Mona and all the trials and tribulations that came with it, I can hardly believe that our lives are about to completely change yet again. And in a VERY different way. I have nested, painted, acted like a crazy person, been grumpy, cried, eaten my weight in chocolate and finally think I may be ready. As ready as two people can be for something that will alter our lives forever, that is. The nursery has been painted twice, I have bought all the things I think I need (and probably don't) and the clothes are washed, folded and put into little tiny stacks of little tiny clothes. We have hats, mounds of socks, teeny baby hats and mittens and the smallest diapers I have ever laid my eyes on. Each day I wonder if it's THE day and if I have any idea what we are about to get ourselves into. While I am sure that he is way easier to take care of where he is right now, I cannot wait to see what he looks like. I can't wait to see those little feet that kick me in the ribs. Those little knees I can see jutting out of my sides and that little heiney that sticks up in the air all the time. I am so excited to meet him.

All that said, today I have been mulling over how life changes. How one day we just realize we are adults( I hope that doesn't mean we have to act like it!!). I have thought often during this pregnancy about how differently the world looks now.

I can't put my finger on what it is, how or why, but its different. And I know that my brother is no little boy anymore either. I am excited to watch him though and get to be a part of his life. For that I am grateful.

Lucky

2009-01-23T19:09:00.000-08:00

Larry and I were thrown a shower by his work staff yesterday. I was thrilled from the get-go about their willingness and excitement to do something so nice for us, but when we arrived I was absolutely awe struck. The office was decorated so beautifully with balloons and a special chair just for me. There was yummy food covering a beautifully decorated table and then I saw the tables (yep that was plural!) of gifts!! I continue to be stunned in my life at how generous people can be. Larry and I were shown an immense amount of compassion and generosity last year (wait, make that the year before last!! Whoa time flies) when I was diagnosed with Lymphoma and underwent all that craziness ('round here we call it The Mona Incident). Almost daily we would open our mail box and there would be a card with a check and a well wish or prayer! That happened for weeks! My emotions were undergoing an upheaval as it was but this just left me speechless on a nearly daily basis. I have always tried to live my life (ok, so at least my adult life) as a person who does good things and believes that in doing those things my life will also be good. I believe in Karma and also believe that Larry and I have are good people. I still am not sure we are (or were) THAT good. I have since tried to spread that compassion and generosity as best I can. And now we are pregnant and again our friends rally around us and help us prepare for the arrival of our little boy. I continue to feel as though my heart could not possibly be any more full than it is today. It is such an incredible feeling to be surrounded by people who care so much and are so thoughtful. Yesterday, after leaving Larry's office with our trunk loaded to the top, I thought the whole way home about how lucky we are. Lucky to have friends. Lucky to have family. Lucky to have each other and lucky to be having this little man coming into our lives.

Thanks all for being in my life and making it as wonderful as it could possibly be.

Love.

~lucky m

5 weeks to go!!

2009-01-18T18:22:00.001-08:00

Well here I am, again two months since my last post and still a slacker. I do have a few good excuses this time though. I have been nesting my little (well, it's been growing along with the belly) fanny off!! I always thought that was some stupid made-up non-sense that people said happened to pregnant women. Well I am proof that some sort of bizarrness happened to me and made me clean every closet, drawer, shoe box and junk drawer in my house. And I'm not done yet. I have painted the nursery twice now (with the help of my fantastic Mother and Brother) and have rearranged hte furniture about twenty times. Mom and Wilbur said they weren't coming to paint again if I didn;t like this color. Bless them, I was quite a brat. But read my "about me" and you'll see I've always been indecisive and now I just added being pregnant on top of it! Speaking of which Larry likes blaming everything on pregnancy. When I am being a pain in his ass he knows its the pregnAancy (and I CERTAINLY will not be telling him otherwise) and when I need my second bowl of ice cream for the day, he knows its the pregnancy (and CERTAINLY not that I just really love ice cream). He really is one of a kind and I can't wait until I get to see him with his little baby.

Speaking of which, Jess (my bff for more than 15 years) just had her baby last Wednesday. She was miserable at the end but still managed to keep a smile on her face and have positive things to say whenever I talked to her. I sure do hope I can maintain that class in the next 5 weeks. Maybe I will have to come back here and re-read for inspiration. Anyway, seeing Jess with that olittle baby is amazing. Her name is Siena Riley and she is beautiful. I was vblown away at how much love I felt for her when I first saw her (she was only hours old!) and can not fathom how I will feel when I am holding my baby in a few short weeks. And then to see Jess and Matt (he's the Dad) holding that little teeny baby is such an amazing thing. It is wild to see

people whom you've known since you were nearly a baby yourself now becoming parents. I don't remember this nostaligia when any of my other friends have become parents, but who knows. Perhaps its me nearly being in the same boat that is getting all those feelings a-stirring. All I know is Jess is already an amazing Mother.

So as for this blog thingy, Judi has inspired me to write more often (we'll see) since she has her blog. Here is a link to her blog and I strongly suggest you check it. She is funny, smart and has great pictures unlike all my booooring typing here. Maybe one day I will become inspired to add in some photos and such. I plan to use this here blog when little Baby R arrives to keep everyone (well shit, Pete is about the only one who still reads it! Thanks Pete and here is a SHOUT OUT to you!!) abreast of his arrival, cuteness and how fast he grows. So keep an eye out peeps.

Ok, so in conclusion here is my usual whats been going on: I finally graduated from

USC School of Medicine with Masters in Rehabilitation Counseling (wow that looks way fancier with all those capitals) and am STILL in need of a job at a Masters level. I am 5 weeks away from the most pain I have ever felt to experience the most love I can imagine and likely the greatest loss of sleep Larry and I are to get. So we are slowly getting as ready as we can. If I could just stop changing my mind, that is...

Til I remember to do this again,

Love.

oh and here is a pic starting at 15 weeks up to 30 weeks. And I am WAYYYY bigger than that now! Eeeeek...

Louis the fat-ass cat

2008-10-25T10:45:00.000-07:00

So my good friend Pete wrote to me the other day and said that I should keep writing here, even when I feel like there isn't much to say. "Well, why the hell would I do that" i thought...who wants to read the silly rantings of an over-worked, over-stressed, pregnant woman who should be doing school work, or cleaning the house, or putting the kitchen back together, or finishing the 19 loads of laundry piled up in the laundry room? Well, apparently Pete said he might and that made me think maybe some others would too. I like to read random blogs about nothing sometimes and well honestly if no one does, I like coming here. I like writing and sometimes I even make myself laugh and make myself feel better (read: feel less like a loser since I'm doing SOMETHING, just not what I should).

So anyway I'm sitting here in the office-that-is-soon-to-be-the-nursery-but-looks-like-a-tornado-went-off-instead and trying to write some ridiculous paper on my findings about the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Oh-my-god how boring can you get!!! This is the second of three such papers and they make me want to pull my new fabulous-after-chemo hair out (damn, I'm using a lot of hyphens today). I am doing everything but finishing this paper including staring out the window, yelling at the stupid mutt that lives with the morons across the street and daydreaming about the 6 pieces of chocolate I just ate and how fat they are going to make my ever growing ass. I am dreaming about what it will be like in one month when I have completed (mind, you maybe not passed) my comps (damn still can't show you the sign for that-stoopid f'in computer) and how I will have Saturdays to enjoy doing something outside of this horrid, shrinking little room. I can't even remember what that will be like! Can anyone remind me what a free Saturday is like...? Anyone? Yeah, ok so this is truly a blog about nothing. But I still like coming here. And I still like writing...just not shit about assessment instruments and how they really taught me a lot about my fake client named Jeanette whose personality I could care less about. So there, I guess I have stalled enough. Better get back to Jeanette and whether she's an ESFP or ISJT or what-the-hell-ever.

Till next time...

~m.

oh - and about that title: Anyone interested in offering up a home to a 16 year old fat-ass mean-as-hell cat named Louis? Can't blame a girl for tryin'.

baby mama

2008-10-20T17:38:00.000-07:00

Wow, so the last time I posted was August!! I am worse than I thought! Well, there honestly hasn't been a whole lotta time for posting stuff on this here blog. I am still plugging away diligently at school which takes up the vast majority of my free time. Graduation is set for December 15th, but that is only a relevant date for me if I can survive until November 14th when I take my comprehensive final exam which is where I must recall all the information I have learned over the last two years and pour it out in essay form in under 3 hours! See the concern there (and the need for that crazy long runon sentence)? Not only did I lose some brain cells during that whole chemo bit last year but now I have preggo brain and can't half remember what I did yesterday! Okay, so those are lame excuses, but I am a tad worried about that thing. If my computer didn't hate me on a regular basis I would a picture of me showing you what the sign (American Sign Language) is for comps. It would make you laugh and cry for me at the same time (ok, so probably not cry, but one can lie to ones self, right?).

Anyway, I promised to keep you all (whoever you still are) updated on all things Mary and Larry. Well I announced in my last, albeit a ridiculously long time ago, blog that I am pregnant. Well I am 22 weeks today (that's 5.5 months for those who hate conversions like I do) and we found out just two weeks ago that we are having a boy. In fact, here are some photos for those who didn't get/see/read/open the email. We are still trying to figure out names and all that crazy jazz but it is quite an experience. Especially when we really thought we would be using those embryo's we went to all the trouble of growing and harvesting. Don't get me wrong, we are both insanely grateful that we didn't need to use them and were successful the "good old fashioned way". But that leaves us with a bit of a dilemma in what to do with those eggs that are laying patiently in cold storage continuing to rack up their enormous annual fee. That's not what I intend to post on this evening, but it's certainly something I think about often.

Anyway, back to pregnancy and la vida del reaves:
Larry has been able to feel the baby move a number of times. I definitely think its the coolest thing to ever happen to me and he finds it incredible as well. Little Baby Reaves is quite a mover and a shaker and LOVES when I eat and when I try to go to sleep. He also goes bananas when I am in the car so I told Larry its a good thing he likes to drive since we may have a baby that prefers driving around at 3am as opposed to quietly resting in his bed. Guess we'll have to keep you posted on that one! We are expecting him to arrive somewhere at the end of February, like maybe the 25th. That date gets scarier and scarier!

So around the home front, Larry and I (and the awesome people we hired to help us) have been quite busy working to get the house in better shape. We have completely re-done the kitchen and Larry is quite the cabinet maker/countertop-layer/electrician/plumber and he hasn't seen a free weekend in ages! Our house has been a complete mess for weeks now with almost every room undergoing some type of transformation and each one at various stages in the process. If I weren't so busy each night with either work or school I would be freaking out! My continued gratitude to my amazing husband for his hard work and dedication. He doesn't complain or gripe, even when he has a bandaid (only because I force him, mind you) on 5 out of 10 fingers! What a champ! We are hoping this will all be done and over and all cleaned up in the next little while. It sure would be nice to have it all ready for the Holidays!

Anyhoo, that is a quick update on what's been happening in our lives. I hope to put some before and after photo's up here of the house for anyone who is interested. Hope that you are all well and getting ready for the Holiday's, I know I sure am!

love.

~m

Vacation!

2008-08-04T07:34:00.001-07:00

Well it has again been ages since I have posted here and who knows if anyone still checks this spot, but I told Mom and Will I would figure how to post some pics while we were on vacation in St. Croix. We are here for the week with Judi and Steven (our close friends from Charleston) and having a blast. THe weather is wonderful and from the pics you will see that we have an amazing place with an even more amazing view. We decided to go for renting a house in lieu of the standard all-inclusive resort and it is proving to be a great decision. The house is all ours, its quiet, relaxing and we have our own private pool, jacuzzi, and Jeep to tour the sites. I am not sure how often I will update the blog while we are hear (as we have to sit in a rather unusual spot on the far corner of the patio for the internet to pick up, but here's some for now.
Just a few pics that we thought were cool (sinc ethis blog won't let me load too many!)

Enjoy!oh- and here's a tid bit of interesting information you may all enjoy knowing. Larry and I are not alone on this little trip to paradise (not meaning Judi and Steven!). We found out a few weeks ago that we need not use those frozen grandbabies Mom loves to talk about as we are 11 weeks pregnant! More on that later!!! :)

Shame, shame.

2008-04-29T13:49:00.001-07:00

On me, that is. It is almost May and I have not made a post since February!!! Sorry, sorry, sorry. I have no excuse. Well actually I think I have a few good ones. I have been working my tail off at work and at school. I may have informed you that I returned in full force to school and am taking 15 hours. That is quite a load. I actually should be doing some school work right now but I am doing everything I can think of instead. So here's whats been happening:

My visits with the Neurologist failed to give me anything other than more bills. He was unable to determine anything about the tingling that gave us any definitive answers and only suggested more tests (like a nuclear bone scan! what?!? I have had enough scans and I am full enough of nuclear chemicals and radiation, thank you very much!) so I decided to return to Dr C and see what he had to say about that. In the meantime, I developed a nasty case of the shingles. Dr C seems to think that the tingling could be from a myriad of things like the chemo, radiation or the Nulasta shots. It could even be form the shingles!! So after 4 MRI's, it could be I just was in prodromal phase of shingledom! How nice, I thought. Well, that's ok, at least it wasn't anything serious! As for those shingles? Well, I am going on 9 weeks of the little ba*@!%$ds and I have had quite enough. I would not wish those on my worst enemy.

Ok, enough complaining about that. In other news health wise, all is dandy and hunkydorey. I had begun running again and yoga pretty steadily until the Neuro guy suggested I stop until we figure out what was going on, but when he couldn't give me any answers I stopped listening. I have since been running a little (when those dawgon shingles aren't killing me, as they are located in a place that makes running excruciating) and I PLAN to hit a yoga class when I finish all these papers for school!

As for work and school, I recently got a little promotion at work and was hired full time! That was nice considering I got the state benefits and a little raise. Can't beat that!! I also am a little further ahead on classes than I thought, and will be able to graduate in December, I am hoping! That was most fabulous news to Larry and myself! I am sure he will be happy to have his wife back and not with her nose in a book or away in class. Ok, I can't leave out the less crabby and stressed out part too! :) I have continued to notice my brain returning to normal (read: the previous state in which I was able to adequately remember details and information) so that has been refreshing and VERY helpful on the school front. I also was offered a graduate assistantship for the summer and fall to help implement a certificate program in my school for work with Deaf! That is going to be super exciting and I can put that on my resume too!

If that was too boring a report, I am sorry. There just has not been much happening that doesn't involve school or work. Larry is steadily working on getting the park built here in Colatown and in keeping me tied down to earth (the latter may be his hardest job ever!). His job is still going well and keeping him busy.

Well, I guess that about sums up the last few months. I wish I had more to give you all, but life has resumed to boredom and normalcy, so...

I promise to update this thing if anything happens (exciting or interesting) but until then, thanks for reading!! Love to you all.

~m

And the winner is....

2008-02-20T14:34:00.000-08:00

Me! Ok, so really this is no win/lose situation, but that was fun anyway. I had my first 3 month scan today and everything was fabulous. They made me drink all that chalky barium stuff, fast on a diet existing of foods without carbs (basically nothing!!) and then I got that strange IV of stuff that makes you feel like you have wet your pants. And in the end-it was all worth it, as I got a clean bill. The only think they noticed was some very slight damage to my lungs and some more scar tissue both from the radiation and surgery (so that explains my lack of ability to breathe when I run? ok, that's just plain old being outta shape, I know). Anyhoo, I don't have to return to Dr C for 3 months. And those previously noted every 3 months scans? Well they have been stretched to every 6 months since we don't really have anything to look at. That is great!!

I do have to see a Neurologist next week though, as I have been experiencing some very bizarre nerve tingling down both legs that happens numerous times every day and has become quite annoying! Dr C (and I) both think it is likely nothing more than some Nueropothy(I guess I forgot to tell you guys I was also a Doctor now) which is fairly common and has several fixes and causes. So, I'll keep you posted on that craziness. I swear, at times I wonder if I am losing it and need to be served by some of my colleagues at the local Mental Health Center, all these crazy things that happen to me! But alas, I have some smart people assuring me I am not making them up, so for now, I am staying out of the treatment centers.

As for all other things in La Vida de Reaves, school is great and only on the verge of kicking my butt. I am enjoying reading and studying (really! Not a lie!) and even writing some papers. I have decided that I am not half bad at that writing stuff! Larry is doing great and Pour It Now is SOOOOO close to having success with the skatepark in Columbia. They have meetings often and are really excited about all the input the city is giving the skaters. It is really exciting! It is also AWESOME to imagine that one day soon there may be another place for the skaters to congregate (other than our backyard, I mean). So, that's where we are and what we've been doing.

Oh, small update on my last blog and my loss on sanity/dealing with anger issues: I am continuing to attend the Support group and find comfort in just being there. Although we may not deal with my stuff, its just nice to be around people who would likely understand. That in itself is a great feeling. I have also really been stepping up the yoga and man, does that just make me feel BETTER!! I cannot explain the benefits I get from my classes. I feel healthy on so many levels and the next day I feel sore and that is even great! I forgot how good it feels to have sore muscles from getting healthy! Anyway, I'm not here to try and sway you all to become yogi's, I just wanted to fill ya in. :)

Hope you are all well and enjoying all this nice weather we've been having. I sure am looking forward to spring and summer as I seemed to miss most of mine last year. Look out summer, here I come!!!

Love.

~m

One day at a time...

2008-02-01T15:46:00.001-08:00

Hello Dear friends! It has again, been quite some time since my last update. It is not for lack of trying this time. I have just not known what to tell you. I have felt in the last month that my life has come to an odd place. I thought that once chemo was finished and my life returned to the place it was before, I would be able to keep going just as I had. That seems not to be the case. I am realizing lately that I have many feelings that I have not dealt with. The most noticeable of those is anger. I realized that I am still angry about so many things that I do not know where to begin. I will not be choosing this blog as the place where I attempt to rid myself of my anger and learn how to release it, but I did think it important to include you all in my trials. I have also realized that I am changed. I am a different person than the Mary you all knew. Than the Mary I knew. I am struggling to re-learn myself, to meet and become acquainted with my new self-if you will. I found myself wondering just now, as I was trying with no luck to fall asleep, if my friends and family are struggling to become acquainted with this new person as well. Are they finding it as difficult as I am?

I imagine your first questions in response to the above statements are "What in the world are you doing to deal with these feelings?" Well, my first step has been to attend a Cancer Support group at my Oncology office. I have known about them for some time but had more excuses than Larry has skateboards for not going. A client needed this, Larry needed that, I needed to have lunch with this person and the like. I also had some fears that were incredibly ridiculous, but real and fears, nonetheless. I am lucky to have a number of wise and willing to listen people in my world that guided me to find the answers I held within myself about why I really needed to go. I have only gone to one and am not sure that is the place I need it to be, but its a start. And we must all start someplace.

I have also begun my yoga practice again. That is something I was not vigilant about pre-cancer but an activity from which I did find great solace, strength, and peace of mind. I am a long way from being where I was in my practice (which was not very far!) and have a long way to go mentally and physically to catch up, but I am inspired to get there. I tried running again and have not had as much success in the mind area there. Reason tells me that it will take time for anyone to get back to their standard after a hiatus, but that is so much easier to know in your head than to know in your heart. I have found myself without the strength in either area to pick it back up. Little by little I keep saying.

I occasionally find myself having days where I feel like I am still in chemo and today is one of those days. I still wake up with aching bones and nausea. With tired eyes and a sore throat. Those days make it hard to get out of bed, to do anything. I wonder how long they will last, or if they ever will go away? Mom reminds me it has not been so long, and I am doing so great. But sometimes it is not so easy to see, especially on days like today. I am thankful everyday for Larry and Mom. They accept my crappy days and my lows and love me just as much; sometimes it feels like they love me more. I am realizing day by day that while I may have some hair, and I may be in remission, my journey with cancer is far from over. Isn't it strange how our emotions can have us so fooled? Maybe I needed to have my head where it was so I could get through the physical and now is time for the rest. I'll let you all know how the story goes.

So I don't leave you all feeling sorry for me and worrying that you should call me a Counselor-some really good things have happened as of late! I have started classes again and while that is a little different given the new brain (I honestly have a new brain!) it's a wonderful feeling. I know it sounds bizarre about the new brain and a bit like an excuse from a girl who never really was that great a student, but it's true! I am learning how to learn, make new connections, remember things (big and small, random and important). So that is a new and exciting challenge. I have thought a few times about calling up one of my old psych professors nad offering up the brain for some research, but I decided I'll just use what I got for school. I'm not that far from my Master's after all! Another great thing the 'happened' this month (skip this part if you are not interested in all things girly), we got a really good sign that we won't need those 7 frozen babies after all!! It came back! Way sooner than I anticipated and that was cause for great celebration among friends and family. I can honestly say, I NEVER celebrated the occurrence of such a thing before in my life! It was a much needed comic relief.

Well, it is even more past by bed time than when I began and I am hoping that by getting a few things off my chest, I will sleep better tonight. This blog really has been healing for me in more ways than you all know. I think I would come here to write even if no one read it- I'm happy that you all do though! Thank you as always for being my friends, my family and for being there (and here) when I needed you most.

Love.

~m

Hello Hair!

2007-12-27T15:17:00.001-08:00

And Hello Friends and Family! I have had numerous comments on my lack of attention to this blog. I must admit I was a tad concerned that you had all likely lost interest in reading this blog thingy especially now that I haven't much to say. But, I have been told that is not the case so here is a little update, a photo and some general Maryfo...

As of November 19th I was deemed Cancer free, treated and ready to get on with the rest of my life. I was cleared completely that day and told that all scans, bloodwork and the like showed no signs of cancer and no signs that we should continue treatments. I was quite thrilled if not emotional. I was happy to hear that news but somewhere in the back of my mind was nervous and unsure. I was not going to need to see a Dr until February when I am scheduled to have my next scans (those I will have every 3 months for 2 years, then every 6 months for 3 years and then once a year for the rest of my life). However, since that day I have had some discomfort in my chest around the area where they were radiating and it has yet to go away, so after much prodding and 'reminding' from Mom and Lar, I saw the Dr last Friday. He did a chest x-ray and did not see anything but thinks I am likely suffering from some inflammation and suggested I use some steroids for a few days and keep an eye on it. That did make me realize that I think I will most likely be even more hypochondriachal than before (if that's possible!) since every little thing makes me nervous! But I am sure that will go away with time. I will let you all know how that goes...

As for everything else, I have been working my little fanny off and trying to find some semblance of normalcy. I am still struggling with my memory and that is incredibly frustrating. Doc C told me I would eventually start getting some of that back but that it will never be quite what it was. I have been dealing with it as best I can. Larry helps me often and thank goodness everyone has been extremely patient with my constant forgetfulness. As for the hair, well you can see yourself that it has been coming back quite nicely. It is a good bit lighter than it was before and I have a few new cow-licks. But I have been telling everyone who asks that, as long as it comes back I could care LESS what it looks like. As long as it grows all over my head. :)

Larry and I are ready to start this new year and try to remember what it was like BC (before cancer) and maybe even get ready for some new additions to the family. But for now, we are just working on getting our life back. We continue to be so grateful for you all. I have decided to keep the blog (and try to be better about updating it every so often) until we are actually able to achieve those new additions and let you all know how that goes (meaning the eggs and all, not any more detailed than necessary as I have displayed enough of my life for public viewing-wink). So until then...thanks for reading and love to you all.

~m

I, just wanna celebrate!

2007-11-17T07:51:00.000-08:00

Can you hear the music behind that? Well good! I am only one more treatment away from being finished with it all. I saw Doc C on Wednesday (I know, this is a little late) and he said "Officially" that all scans are clear, clean and sans any signs of the big "C". That being said, I got my passport out on Friday (WHEEEEEEEW) and after Monday's last radiation treatment, I don't have to see another cancer doctor until February 19th or something. That was the best news a girl could get! There is a small feeling of sadness however, weirdly enough, but I have come to feel sort of like family with all those people there at the office. I see them so regularly and talk with them so often, that not seeing them anymore kind of makes me nervous. I keep thinking does this mean that instantly I am supposed to feel normal and well and finished? Cause I really don't yet. It seems weird to think I will see no more doctors, yet I still have no hair, no period, no energy and numb fingertips. But, I know all those things will begin to subside (or come back as the case may be with a few) and my life will slowly return to normal. Yesterday was a great feeling though when they took that port out. I actually started to cry. As soon as he said, "alright, it's out!" the tears just started falling. The girls had to hand me a rag so I wouldn't cry all over the table! It was such a strange feeling, like I knew it has officially ended when my nemesis was removed!! I asked the doc if I could keep it (the most bizarre request I am sure he has had) and low and behold, he actually dropped it on the floor by accident into a bag and I found it on my way out the door! I have no earthly idea what I will do with it, but its mine. I might just stuff it in a drawer and never look at it again, or maybe I will make a necklace out of it. That made you cringe a little, didn't it? :) It just is the one tangible thing I have from this whole ordeal and it carries a huge meaning with it, as strange as it sounds. Anyway, me and my weird notions will move on to other news...

With life returning to normal (or as much as it can) Larry and I are so grateful for everything. We have been so supported through visits, emails, CARDS, and phone calls and could not have made it without all of it, without all of you. I am not sure I will know what to do with myself when this all ends, but at least I know I have the most incredible support group to call on. At least I hope you aren't all tired of hearing about Mary. Cause I just might need you a little while longer.

Love.

~m

Sorry!

2007-11-03T10:14:00.001-07:00

I promised a post when I had details about scans and when I started radiation and dawg-on-it, if I didn't forget and just leave you all hanging. Sorry!

So here's the deal...radiation is a breeze! I had all my scans on Monday and although I have not had the official reading by the Radiologist yet, Dr. C scrolled through them with me and said he saw nothing! That means chemo is done and there is officially no more trace of Mona (except that small scar she left behind and the clamps, wires and staples). So Tuesday, I started the radiation and it is fast and so far no real side effects. I drive over to SCOA everyday at 2:30, change into a gown and about the time I get my heiney planted into a chair and have a decent magazine to look at, they call my name back. I lay on a table (pretty much like for an x-ray) and they line me up with those fancy blue sharpie marks I told you all about, and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz they laser my front, move around to my back for about another 30 seconds, and that's it! It takes them longer to line me up than it does to actually laser me. So Monday thru Friday, I see my friends Sergio, Amanda and Kelly and a super nice little lady (she says she's 82, but I don't buy it) who is there with her daughter and that's it!

As for the side effects, I think I may have some psychosomatic one's including thinking that my throat is burning and that I am physically exhausted (that's what they told me to expect) but I think those may be attributed to my working all the time and allergies. So...as for now, I am just trying to get back to feeling like myself, watching my little bit of fuzz grow back and get this Lupron out of my system (that's the Menopause stuff that is supposed to be protecting my ovaries, but the only thing I am sure its doing is making me a crazy person with INSANE hot flashes). There is one upside, I have a new respect for all those women I see frantically fanning themselves! They say that should be out of my system about mid December. I am thinking that if that is not the case, people will suffer. Just teasing, kind of. Anyway, I am thinking that my last day of radiation is November 19th and then by Thanksgiving I should be all done!! Woooohooo! Hopefully they will have taken this stupid port out by then as well. I see Doc C again on the 14th and I am not leaving his office until he tells me when it comes out. See...there's that crazy person I told you about. You all thought I was kidding, didn't you?

Well, here is the update that I promised ages ago. Hope it was worth the wait. It sure was some good news and I am sorry I did not share it sooner. As for Lar and I, we are heading to a Halloween party tonight with some friends, so I must go get my costume together. Until next time...

Love.

~m

Chemo-cation

2007-10-26T08:50:00.001-07:00

Well, Larry and I are sitting our lazy hieney's at the beach taking a much needed chemo-cation. Mom has a timeshare in North Myrtle and was kind enough to let Larry and I come down for a few days to rest and relax. You all know how much I love the beach and thankfully Larry shares that love with me. We have been doing absolutely nothing (except watching some rain, boo) eating sushi, since I couldn't eat that during chemo and watching movies. Yesterday we were able to sit on the beach and watch some kite surfers for a while and last night after eating a delish sushi dinner we sat more on the beach and just enjoyed the sand, smell, and sights. Sleeping late, yummy breakfasts and laziness is just what we both needed before the next part of our crazy cancer journey begins. We have been planning our Halloween costumes and what we will do when all this is over. Mostly what we have come up with is life as usual. We plan to continue going on doing what we always have done. Love each other and love life. It has been so nice to get out of town again and celebrate the fact that the worst is over and we almost have our lives back. Almost. Monday I have all my final scans and hopefully get the official last word that chemo is over and then get my port removed. YAY!! Then on Tuesday we start the actual radiation process. That happens for 15 sessions and I think I figured that November 19th I am done. That is just in time for Thanksgiving! What a time for thankfulness that will be. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday anyway, but I am sure looking forward to it more this year than any before.

Well, just wanted to give a quick update while I was here being lazy and relaxing. Thanks as always for reading and wanting to know what we are up to, we are deeply thankful for you all.

Love.

~m

Many thanks

2007-10-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well - I had the best birthday yet, and it would not have been possible without all you wonderful folks. I received tons of cards and phone calls, emails, myspace messages and the like. And Saturday, Dad, Ang and all the kids came down and spent the afternoon with me which was fantastic. It was great to see them as always. Sunday, Jess, her mom Susan, my mom, Sam, Jen, Larry and lots of others, got together to throw me a wonderful birthday party. We had oysters, kabobs, bleu cheese dip, cake, beer, the whole nine yards. It was attended by my closest friends and family that lived near by and I just smiled all day. Susan let us use her fabulous new home and yard and there was bat gammon, horseshoes, fishing and lots of fun. The only time I can remember when I have felt more loved was the Yard Sale and that will likely never be trumped by anything. It is still simply amazing what lengths my friends and family will go to for me. Jess, Jen, Ash and Sam all got together (very sneakily) and made me the best gift a girl could ever ask for: a scrapbook of this last year (and a few pics from the waybackwhen) full of friends, wigs, baldness, parties, and everything in between. They spent so much time and effort making that book and its the most awesomest thing I have ever seen. I can look at it anytime I like and remember how loved I am. An incredible feeling that is, for sure. Thank you my fabulous friends and fam for the bestest party ever. I love you all.

In other Marynews, I had my scan today to measure the radiation area and I am scheduled to start that on the 30th. That's the day after my diagnostic scan, so hopefully I will then know for sure when they are to take this dumb porta-thing outta my arm. I have my tentative blue-sharpie-marker marks and will get the real-deal Holyfield things on the 29th when they do my simulation scan and make the molds and all that jazz. They did give me my schedule though, and everyday at 2:30 I will report to SCOA and get my laserbeams. After 15, then I am a free woman!!! I guess they will rescan after that, or something, but I will find out for sure and let you all know. Well that is the latest, so until something interesting happens...

Love.

~m

HOORAY...Birthday!

2007-10-10T21:16:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I totally stole that one from the Red Stripe commercials cause I am getting really unoriginal. Anyway, today I returned from the dead or at least feeling like it and actually went to work, shopped (Chemo demands a little retail therapy every now and then), and had dinner with friends! It was totally amazing. After9 days of feeling worse than ever and three days of IV fluids, I am a new woman! I am still reeling from the impact that a little bag of water and salt can have on a girl. I will never doubt a good ole' bag lunch. ;)

I also had my radiation consult and that was full of great news to get a girl feeling better as well. I now only have 3 weeks, that's right 3, of radiation. Only 15 sessions/radiations/laser beam-doohicky-times to go!!!! How awesome! They also informed me that I will NOT have new uber-not-cool tattoos (Gank will be happy about that), CAN wear deodorant (everyone will be happy about that), CAN continue wearing jewelry and will only suffer from a few side effects. By the way, all of those are rumors that spread from Cancer Vixen to Cancer Vixen like wildfire! Those will be nothing like the monsters from the dreaded R-CHOP chemo aka The RED DEATH. I am not sure yet when all this lasering will commence, but I have a CT scan on Monday the 15th so Doc N (new radiation oncologist) can decide exactly where and what to laser beam. He will compare scans and plot out a territory being very careful to ensure my heart, lungs, breast tissue and spinal chord get as little radiation as possible. After the scan they will set me up for a "simulation day" where they actually lay me under the laser beam and mark out the spots. {Secret embedded message: I am sorry to say though Johnny that you and I will not have twin tattoos, and I certainly did not mean to imply that yours are uber not-cool, just that they would not be in line with the ones I already have. Fair?} Ok, end secret message. They actually are going to be using bright, blue sharpie marker with plastic stickers over it to make sure it doesn't wash away. How about that for some scientific stuff?! The amazing advancements they have made. Wonder how much that'll cost me. Oh, sorry, back to the story. After the sim day, I have a diagnostic scan on the 29th which will look and make sure that no more tumors or lumps or Mona's have grown back and then we will begin radiation. I think. I am actually not entirely sure about that timeline, but it sounds about right. I will update any changes as I get them. But for now, I am going to retire because I can hear (or read?) myself babbling and starting to get a little giddy - or punch drunk as my Momma loves to say. So goodnight my wonderful peoples and thank you again for letting me vent the other day and for encouraging me to get it all out. I sure do feel a lot better and that must be part of it. So for now...

Love.

~m

oh- and its my birthday in 3 days (hear me singing that). now you really know i am feeling better, don't cha? ;)

The blues

2007-10-09T06:55:00.000-07:00

First, I want to thank all of you for your supporting comments, calls, hugs and love when I was at my lowest of low points. I have not quite crawled completely out of my hole, but nearly and thought I should let you all know. I do not remember feeling as sick as I was last week, EVER. I need not rehash the symptoms for you all but they are slowly fading. I went in yesterday for some IV fluids because I was apparently pretty dehydrated from being able to eat and drink only in small portions. They also gave me so IV nausea meds that finally didn't make me knocked out. I still feel as though I may have caught a bit of a stomach bug and can't seem to kick that either. This morning I am sipping some green tea and trying to get down half an english muffin and deciding whether I should go in for more fluids so that one day this week I can actually work!

About that - I was talking with Mom last night about the work ethic that we have instilled in us (her, my brother, myself). I know it came from her parents, which no doubt came from theirs and so on, and is something we see fading in society on the regular. Now, I know you don't come here for lectures on the evolution and downfall of society, but that's true. Anyway, sometimes it would be nice to not care. To not worry constantly if your coworkers are doing too much of your work, or if your boss thinks you are slacking off cause you have missed 349,097 days of work or that your clients surely cannot survive another day if you do not make your next appointment. Man, who knew that a good work ethic came hand in hand with the guilt of a Catholic? I sure didn't. But alas, I am home and going to stay home until I feel at least 50% better and at least can eat more than 5 bites of food and not immediately feel like that cobra who tried to eat the baby rhino. (For those of you who have no idea what I am talking about: google).

Anyway, it is now 4 days until my birthday and I am a little more inclined to anticipate its arrival with excitement. I know you are all thrilled about that! Well - I am nearing the end of this blog and have managed less than half the tea and only about 3 bites of muffin and starting to feel slightly snake-ish, so I think I will retire this and talk to you all tomorrow. I have my consult and meeting with the new Cancer Doc and possible harbinger so I will let you all know how that goes. Until then, thanks again for being such incredible pillars of support. A cancer Vixen could never survive without her peeps. Fo sho'. :)

Love.

~m

Trouble

2007-10-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

I stole that from a Ray LaMontange song title because it seems appropriate and I have been listening to him. I say trouble because that is how things feel lately. I cannot seem to kick this treatment and find myself still nauseous, still achy, still head hurting, and without taste buds or fingertips. I am saying trouble, because now I am feeling like trouble. Trouble to those who have to constantly ask if I am feeling better, do i need anything, am I ok. And I can't tell them anything positive yet. It is starting to get me upset. And that has not been a hard thing to do, if you all remember. Crying is quite an easy accomplishment with this cocktail they have me on, but this week, whew...even worse.
Wednesday I saw my family and that was one of the best days I have had in a while. I got hugs and had missed them so much it hurt. I cried when I left because I was so angry that I felt too ill to stay and visit. My grandfather said we looked like twins, and it made me smile so big (even though he has me beat) but when I had to leave him, I just cried. Most of them had not seen me since my new "hair-do" so it had been a while. I just wanted to stay and be around them, to feel better with my family, but damn the sick, just won't let me. It won't let me anything right now. I wouldn't let me enjoy the rest of Sam's surprise party. IT wouldn't let me have George and his friend in town for a visit, I won't let me eat the yummy egg and cheese sandwich I smell Larry cooking right now. It is just nothing but trouble. Big mean stinky trouble, and I have had enough. The worst part is, I can't make it different. I thought if I tried getting out and about, doing something fun, surely it would slowly dissipate and leave me be. Nope. Just gets me when I am stuck and have no car, or are 20 miles from home. Maybe if I go for a little walk, it will make these muscles not ache so much. Nope, just leaves me down the street with more aches and farther to get back home. Now my 29th birthday is just days away and there is nothing I desire less to happen than that. I usually LOVE birthdays. Normally - I would already be celebrating mine cause its my "birthday month". But I don't want it to come, don't want to be sick on my birthday. I know this isn't the blog you all are used to, but today I have just had enough. And needed to get it out. Thanks for listening and don't worry, none of you are trouble.

Love.

~m

Ugh, Ick, Ack, Blah...

2007-10-03T12:34:00.000-07:00

Those are the best words I can think of to describe this last treatment. It began quite normally (I wore my cute new shoes and some make up and jeans) and then low and behold, about one third of the way through my first bag of stuff, I was as queasy as I can remember having been yet. It just would not go away, even after I tried to eat the Groucho's that LA and Emma brought, so they gave me some Fenergen (sp, huh?) and that just made me feel like a gigantic, drugged slab o' beef. I could hardly keep my eyes open and still felt nauseous. Finally about an hour before we were all finished, I woke up and low and behold my momma was there! That stuff sure did put me out! I was incredibly groggy the rest of the day and evening and still violently nauseous. Yesterday was exactly the same. Usually the day after treatment, I am doing OK and can get some work done or get up and about, but not yesterday. Larry had to come home to drive me for acupuncture and my miracle magnets, and while they helped some, I am STILL nauseous! Today, I have lost all my taste buds, fingertips are numb again (so please excuse any typos I don't happen to catch) and am all in all just plain cruddy feeling. I did have some of Angel's delish chocochip cookies last night before my taste buds died, so for that I am very grateful! I tried them again today, and while I still ate a few small ones, they tasted like nothing. Zip, zilch, zero. AGGGH!

Anyway, hopefully since the yuckies started so early this time, they will finish sooner as well! That would be great! Now for the updates you really want to know about:

Doc. C has scheduled me for my Radiation Consult on Oct 10, and then my next PET scan on the 29th. Then we will know whether this porta-crap, I mean cath can come out yet! That will be the definitive on whether I am officially done with chemo and ready for radiation. So keep your toes, fingers and tongues crossed on that one! And - I have some new baby hairs on my head! How about that? They look just like peach fuzz and are still trying to grow. Doc C says they may fall out after this treatment, but I am hoping like the dickens that they stay and keep on growing! I am waiting to see if they start curling (cross something on that one, too)!

So, with all that said, there leaves little else. I will continue to keep you guys posted on this dreadful week and last chemo and keep the comments coming. I LOVE THEM!!

Love.

~m

Chemo Finale

2007-09-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

It's the night before my last treatment and while I should be asleep, I am doing everything but. I spent the day cleaning my house to try and reduce some of my anxiety (didn't work so well), rearranged my guest room, washed the baseboards, swept the porch, cleaned out my closet and even attempted to bake chocolate chip cookies (help Angie, I just can't make it happen!). This entire week has been rough (read full of tears) just thinking of what is to come. It is bittersweet knowing that its my last treatment and then I will have a break for 4 weeks, but still so dreadful knowing what to expect. Larry won't have to drag me from the bed, kicking and screaming in the morning but I am sure that I will not be in my grandest of moods. I will get to find out when I have my porta-cath removed and that will be a day worthy of celebration. That thing has been the source of many a tantrum and I can't wait to say good riddance to that evil little device! I am expecting next week to be much like the previous two and am prepared for little to no work and have Mom and Lar on stand-by as always.

I have seen many of you lately and continue to get the most incredible feedback about this blog. Some of you say "make it a book!" and others say "when are you going to update it?" and all I can say is how touched I am that so many of you come here to read my thoughts, rantings and overall silliness. This blog started as a way to keep my friends and family informed when I was not up to phone conversations but it has truly become something that is, in a way, healing for me. I enjoy writing and getting out what I am thinking, and I LOVE the comments from all of you. Some make me cry, others bring about giggles and all make me feel surrounded by so much love from the most incredible people. So thank you all again for coming to this crazy place in the sky to read about me, I am so thankful for your support.

Well, I think I am ready to face this last treatment with the biggest smile I can muster. I have struggled this week with the lack of control I feel I have on my life, but tomorrow I will wake up and be strong. I will eat breakfast and drink my coffee (that Larry so wonderfully makes for me), wear something cute so that I feel less like a patient and more like that vixen I was talking about ages ago, and go get my last dose of poison, I mean medicine. So wish me luck and keep me in your thoughts, cause that sure is a nice place to be.

Love.

~m

Wig schmig

2007-09-23T12:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I found a wig and it was fun and wore it to Jason's party and about half way through my head was burning up and I just yanked it off. No one's eyes popped out of their head, or jaw dropped to the floor or anything. Not that I expected my friends to all freak out, but they were just fine. They were more interested in playing with my wig than my pale, bald head. I enjoyed the rest of the evening so much more without that stupid itchy thing on top of my head. It was much more fun to watch all of them running around with that contraption on their heads than mine. I think I may be getting a little more used to this bald in public thing after all. Hope you like this little picture (if you click it you can get the full effect, cause this thing would not cooperate with me) I have made for you all!

Today - I even helped Jen move some of her stuff and did not wear my scarf. I sat by the pool afterwards at her apartment complex and was shiny bald for the world to see, and it was quite liberating! Anyway, not much else to tell, so adios!

Love.

~m

Wig shopping

2007-09-22T09:13:00.000-07:00

Well, its been almost a week since I updated you guys with anything so here's whats been happening with us. Work, work and more work. Larry and I have both worked our heinies (how do you spell that?) off this week and it has almost seemed like our life is back to normal. I have been exhausted by the time I get home everyday, but other than that things have gone swimmingly. I have had a few meltdowns and cry-fests, but less than last time so I am patting myself on the back for that one. If you own stock in Kleenex well, sorry, I haven't been using them quite as much!

I did go wig shopping again because I was supposed to meet some school friends for dinner last night and I wasn't feeling like a blonde and it was just miserable. I was so angry at this hair thing. Who would have thought it would be THIS STINKIN hard, i mean it's just HAIR! I imagine you all are tired of hearing about this, but it's been the hardest for me and therefore the most likely topic about which I will write.

So anyway, the wigs were just ridiculous. The one's that I did find and think I could wear and not feel like a total moron where upwards of$200!! And that is for synthetic! So nonetheless I came home sans stupid wig but with red eyes and a runny nose. Mom talked me out of my state of complete disgust, anger and frustration and I came home and ate way too much pizza. I had to skip out on my friends, much to my chagrin, cause I just could not stop the tears. So today, Jess, Jen and myself are going shopping again. Today I will not be looking for that wig which looks just like my hair. I will be looking for that wig that is fun! Funky! Crazy! Blue! So, if I find what I am looking for you'll see a picture, I promise. Cause from now on, I am gonna do my best to have fun with this bald thing and hold it in disdain no more. Now ya'll I said try, so be nice. Ok?

Till' next time...

Love.

~m

Slick bald

2007-09-16T09:32:00.000-07:00

I have kind of been slacking off with the postings lately, but that way there is more to write when I finally do. Right? Since my last post not too much has happened. I spent the last few days of the week trying to recoup and feel normal again with moderate success. Friday, I met the girls out for happy hour (where I actually drank a beer and it tasted like something!) and wore my new, sassy-girl wig. It looks a little not like me what with the blond highlights and bangs, but it was fun nonetheless. It was also HOT! Sitting outside, my head was sweating and I felt like every little piece of that acrylic hair was sticking right to the sides of my face. The girls were awesome and kept telling me how hot I looked as a blond and at least I didn't feel like a cancer patient for the first time in as many days. That was nice. I only lasted about two hours and then my cranium started trying to make bone marrow again (at least that is how it feels) so I went on home and to bed.

Saturday we went out for breakfast (and again the food tasted mostly like I thought it should) and then I played in the dirt some for its therapeutic benefits, planting some herbs and pretty flowers for the patio. Afterwards we went to meet up with Forrest and Nancy at their tailgate spot and I had my first official public experience wearing a scarf and knowing that I looked the part. It was much too warm for a wig and I just wasn't ready (still aren't) to show the newly slick bald (and white, I might add) head that I am rockin'. So, I went out with a smile and cute outfit and took the looks in stride. I sometimes forget, even as I sit here at the computer sporting my mister clean look, that my hair is gone and that people can now tell that I am sick. In the coming weeks when I am feeling well, and both anxiously awaiting and dreading that last treatment, I will still look sick. That is something that I am so glad I will not have time to get used to. I do not enjoy the looks of sadness that are accompanied with smiles. It certainly has made me more aware of how my face may betray me when I see others in a situation that I might view as unfortunate or sad, and hopefully it will increase my awareness. Who knows. Maybe I am just super sensitive or still angry at losing my hair. My head sure does get cold at night.

Anyway, enough about that. Monday is a new week and I have TONS of work to make up. Meetings, phone calls, P A P E R W O R K (all that is for emphasis and to show just how much I have awaiting me), client visits and the like. So wish me luck or say a prayer and I will keep you all posted on all things Mary. Hope that you are all enjoying the beautiful weather today, I sure am!
Love you all.

~m.

Yay acupuncture...is all I can say

2007-09-13T13:33:00.000-07:00

So, there was no post yesterday cause this second treatment hit me like a ton of bricks. I know that everyone is different and they can't tell you everything, but man it just seems like only a few of the things they prepared me for have actually happened, and one of them has only partly happened (stupid-non-cooperating-hair)! Tuesday, i was not all energy like I was last time. I went to work (think I told you all that), got acupuncture and that was it. Wednesday I spent the entire day either on the couch or in the bed. That was, for sure, my worst day yet. I could not get out of bed to even get myself a drink until around 10:30 in the morning. So, to my rescue came my fabulous husband and he took care of me all day. Today I feel a good amount better, but still rough. Mom came over this morning to make me breakfast (which turned into sweeping, mopping, laundry, dishes and lunch: man do have I have an awesome mom!) and then I went for some more acupuncture to help with my nausea (REALLY WORKS!), energy and my bone pain. I feel a good bit better already. It is amazing.

As for tomorrow, we shall see what happens. I have been eating a decent amount the last two days thanks to the decrease in my nausea, but nothing seems to taste like anything. Jess even made some of her delicioso broccoli-cheesey-potato soup and while I knew it was yummy (cause it smelled divine!) I could hardly taste it. Hopefully that will only last a few days (along with the brain melt-down - I had to call Larry to ask him the word "postcard"! I could describe it, but not recall the word. Weird.) and then my taste buds will be back, my brain will function at some small capacity and things will be well until October 1st which is my next and LAST treatment! YAYAYAY! Until then, if anything exciting happens, I will be sure to let you know. Love you all and again - THANKS FOR READING!

~m.

Being Nearly bald

2007-09-11T13:51:00.000-07:00

So I finally made it to that Yoga class on Sunday evening and boy am I sore. It left me a little emotionally sore as well. My hair was full of bald patches but would just not fall out and I wore a scarf to class and it just made my hair hurt (that is the weirdest phenomenon btw) so afterwards Larry took a very emotional me outside and shaved the rest off. I can still see all the patches, but it feels better a little and hopefully the last of it will come on out soon.

I had my second (and second to last, yay!) treatment yesterday and it went by much (well one hour less) quicker and with zero problems. I was walking out the door by 4. I, later last night, went to a "Look Good, Feel Better" program which is sponsored by the American Cancer Society, ACFTA (can't remember but Cosmetics and Toiletries something i think) and by Palmetto Richland I believe. They gather groups of women going through treatment (either radiation, chemo, or both) and give us a two hour presentation on putting on our make-up without using our hands (to lower the risk of infection), baldness care, nail care, scarf tying and also gave us about $250 worth of really nice makeup! I have something from Chanel for the first time in my life! I feel spoiled rotten. They also had wigs to choose from and i finally got one that is fantastic. It is short and cute and VERY sassy. and I left there feeling just that - better. It is a wonderful program and I so enjoyed talking with the other women who were facing very similar side effects and emotions as I have been. They ranged from young to old and the volunteers were fantastic as well. I can't wait to offer my volunteer services when i am feeling better!

As for today - many of you remember that the day after last chemo i was going 900 mph all day and eating everything in sight and feeling fabulous. Well i wish I could give the same report today, but no such luck. Feeling mostly nauseous all day and a little like I have a bad cold minus the sinus junk. I got my Nulasta shot (bone marrow growth) and got some acupuncture to see if that helps with the nausea. We shall see. I did make it in to work today as the new interns were coming in and I very much wanted to meet all of them. So I worked about 4 hours and then called it a day and went on the my doctors appointments. So - not too much else to update you about. I will be sure to let you all know when all the hair is gone and how the rest of the week goes. I am hoping for another yoga class this week, but we will see. Love you all!

~m

I always wanted a mohawk!!

2007-09-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

So, first things first, my hair started falling out on Monday morning (at least that is when I noticed it first) so Tuesday night, we had a shave your head party! It was great fun and the boys came and shaved their heads too. They helped me make it into something that was fun and not so sad or freaky. I watched Larry shave his, then Dave Ly-dell took his off, then my turn and later that evening Pete came and did his too. Larry was so nervous and I think more emotional about it than me! He must have kissed my head 10 times before he finished. We left the mohawk for a few minutes and then took off the rest. I thought you all would appreciate seeing this picture first!! I went to work today with my new do and got great feedback - actually nothing but compliments really! I have actually felt quite fabulous all day. I almost forget that it is as short as it is until I see a mirror or walk by a window. But I am actually liking it a lot! Tomorrow I will see all my kid clients and get the true feedback, cause you know kids do not hold back! But so far, the transitions from long to short to shaved have been nice and I am happy that I have been able to be PROactive instead of REactive, finally!

Now to tell you all about my WONDERFUL weekend in Florida. We made great time getting there Friday, and the drive was fun. We saw a sign in Georgianna, Alabama that read "Hank Williams, Sr. Museum" so we stopped and it turns out that his boyhood home (only from ages 7 to 11) was in Georgianna! So we took a little tour and bought some souvenirs and then got on our way. It was an ideal way to make a road trip. The morning after we arrived, George and Larry went to pick up the CONVERTIBLE that George and Trisha rented for us! It was an awesome surprise!! We drove all around in that little hot rod and I felt like I was on some reality show or was a princess or something. It was just wonderful. George, Trisha, Chloe and Sofia treated us like we were royalty and spoiled us rotten. Saturday we spent the day at the beach (which by the way really does have white sand and clear blue water - standing neck deep, i could still see my toes!) and then went for a double date. The next day Larry and I drove down to the beach and found a great little spot to take some pictures (like this one) and just enjoyed our wonderful day, driving around in a convertible. We left Geo and Trish's Monday morning and made great time getting back to town. It truly was what I needed, the sand that looked like sugar and beautiful sun and warm wind in my hair (thank goodness I still had some) and good friends. We are SOOOOO thankful for our friends and family and all your continued support and thoughtfulness and prayers. We are two of the luckiest people around.

I will continue to keep you guys posted on the hair deal and how it goes (haa haa, what a pun!). Monday (the 10th) is my next treatment, so I will let you know about that, too. Until then- we love you all and THANKS FOR READING!

love.
~m

A day late and a headline short...

2007-08-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was a slacker yesterday and did not post a single thing. But - I did go to work and I did clean my house! I still had my bouts of nausea and feeling tired (I took a nap in between house work and work) but all in all it was a fairly good day. I saw the Doc first thing in the morning and my white count is low as he expected, but he is sure it will begin to raise since they gave me that shot that makes my bones ache, aka produce more bone marrow. He suggested that I continue with one of the meds he prescribed for nausea and that seems to be helping. :)

Today I worked alllll day and then baby-sat for by boss and her two cuties (needed a baby fix) and then came home and made myself a yummy supper of broccoli, corn, carrots and cantaloupe. It was absolutely delish and I was CRAVING veggies! I guess that is good, hunh? Now I am going to go watch the rest of my not-so-trashy TV show The Closer and head to bed early cause tomorrow is another day of work. It has been really nice to feel so great the last two days and getting my mind on work and my clients whom I have neglected, is a great way to do just that. I am actually feel almost normal-well as normal as I can anyway.

Friday morning we leave for sunny Florida where I am going to enjoy the white sand and blue waters! Our plan was to use some of the funds sent from you wonderfully generous people and rent myself a little convertible so that I could see the sky and travel in a way that I have never had the chance before, but alas, SC rental car places just don't have convertibles. Oh well, maybe we can find one when we get there for a day. I am so very excited to get out of town and see the ocean. If there is anything that always makes me feel better when I am feeling ill, its the ocean, sand and sun. I am a beach girl at heart and I just knew I would not have another chance to see the beach until after chemo and low and behold that wonderful hubby-o-mine is taking me to the GULF! Anyway, I will stop bragging about that and let you all get back to your lives. I plan to kind of chill with the updates as long as things are still moving along as they are. I figure you guys REALLY don't want to know everything I am doing, cause that would just plain get old. So, until we meet again, I love you all!!

~M

Rainy Sunday afternoon

2007-08-26T14:08:00.001-07:00

Hello my faithful friends. Well, I did not make it to that emotionally aligning yoga class but I did attend the movie. And it was GREAT! Not that I have needed any assistance in the tear inducing part of my life lately, but it did make me shed a few. I laughed and giggled and stuffed myself with buttery popcorn and Jess' homemade peanut butter chocolate brownies (snuck very carefully into the theater, shhh.) and left feeling just great. An evening with some of my most favorite ladies was just what the Doctor ordered. After the movie we came back to my place and Jess made more yummies, Enchiladas and Guacamole and we chowed. I had a fairly good appetite and went to bed with a full and not so queasy feeling tummy for the first time in a week. It was wonderful.

Larry was in Charleston attending a fund raiser for us at the "The Park" in Charleston (skatepark) and having a grand time. I was sad to not be able to make it down to party and show everyone our appreciation for their thoughtfulness, but I just wasn't up to the journey. Jon Dee and his most fabulous girl Margaret put on one heck of a show full of skating and music and raised a ton of money for us! Larry and I are still reeling from the outpouring of support that continues to come from friends and family. We are so truly blessed!

As for today, I spent the morning giving some blood at the hospital to make sure that my count was where it should be (it was) and then the rest of the day laid up on the couch being a completely lazy bum and watching trash television (Brett Michael's Rock of Love, for those who share my vice). My mommy dearest met me at the hospital and came home to take care of me until Larry got back into town. She made me chocolate chip cookies (care of Angie- YUMYUMYUM!) and a grilled ham and cheese sammy. I know, I am the most spoiled rotten chemo vixen there is! And - I am really sticking to this eat what I can thing and worrying later about the eat what's healthy thing. That's what's important now, right?

So anyhoo, just a quick little update and then I am back to being a bum. Tomorrow I have another check-up with Doc C. and blood work and the "hey how was your first week of chemo?" dialog, so I will fill you all in tomorrow. Happy Sunday and thanks again for reading!

Love.

~M

Tomorrow is the day!

2007-08-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

Yep, tomorrow I will attend my yoga class and will have the strength to move distances farther than 20 yards. So far today, eating has been the most difficult due to a sore mouth, teeth and the nausea. But tomorrow is a new day and I have every intention of eating, stretching (in an emotionally aligning sort of way) and watching "No Reservations" holding a giant tub of extra buttery popcorn alongside my fabulous girls. Thanks again for all of the calls, cards, letters, myspace thingies, and love. It helps more than you know. So look to tomorrows update where I tell you all about the movie even if you haven't seen it! ;)

Oh - and for those curious, and I know thats most - the hair is still hanging in there. I'll let you know when it's time to "plane down" as the fabulous Mr. Ken Dennis (who is making my hair piece from my very own hair!) prefers to say!

Love.

~M

Day Four

2007-08-23T18:09:00.000-07:00

I don't have as much to say today as yesterday, but still wanted to keep you guys up to date. Today was a puny day with lots of nausea (that was the worst it got, thank goodness), a decent amount of napping and only some of the bone pain from the previous days. My wonderful mommy-dearest came to my rescue today and made sure I was ok. She made good ole' homemade vegetable soup and cornbread, did my laundry, played with the dogs, rubbed my head and wiped my tears. This whole thing would be so much worse without my momma!

As for tomorrow I intend to get up, eat breakfast, drink coffee and make it to my 10:30 meeting. I will let you all know how that goes. And my plan for the weekend you may ask, cause it has been years since this girl hasn't had weekend plans, are an emotional alignment yoga class on Saturday and a movie with the girls. Beyond that it is looking pretty slim. So until the next update!

Love.

~M

The next day blues

2007-08-22T13:11:00.000-07:00

First I must say, that the comments and love and prayers and thoughts are so wonderful! Please keep them coming because on days like today, I can tell you I need them!

Day two was not as full speed as yesterday, and let me tell you I was non-stop all day. The blog was only the first of my to do's! I remained at about 150 mph all day until around 6 pm (after twelve hours of non-stop) I began to crash. I still had a decent appetite and was provided another deliciosso supper by Jess' mom (my other mom) Susan. I am not sure what Larry and I would do without all of you! Well-the likeliest thing now is starve!

This morning was a bit of a different story. I awoke half expecting to feel that same crazy gotta-go right now and run a marathon false energy from the day before, but was not so lucky. I was able to eat breakfast and with only a few doubts safely stay through till lunch where my ever faithul favorite Groucho girl delivered a Cole Special. Now don't tell my docs, cause I think ALL my meals are supposed to be uber healthy, but give a chemo vixen (totally stolen from my Crazy, Sexy Cancer Book by Kriss Carr) a break! She and Emma cheered me up for a minute and then I was back to bed where I remained the majority of today. I have done a little work, phone calls mostly and some billing, but for the most part, not much.

Larry didn't want to leave me any more than he had to, so he has worked from home and I can't tell you all how grateful I am that he can do that. He makes sure I take my medicine and drink "plenty of fluids" (my mom is wearing off on him) and then he checks constantly to make sure I don't need anything else. He truly is my Dr. DA, my knight in skateboard armor and my hero. I have not been the easiest to deal with, I know. Calling talking 900 miles per minute yesterday and crying about nothing today, but he keeps on smiling. And I know that is because of the support we have through all of you! Thank you my wonderful peeps and hope you continue to enjoy coming here to read about my "Crazy, Sexy (damn sure trying) Cancer! (Thanks Kriss Carr and thanks Jenn and Pete!)

Love.

~M

First report

2007-08-21T05:13:00.000-07:00

I would first like to say thank you to all of you who have already read and left us comments. This is so great! I am still reeling fro the fact that I have a blog!

So, yesterday was the first chemo treatment and while long and tiring it was not so bad. Larry had first shift, then Mom and Laura Ashely came and Jess stopped by for an extended lunch break. I was so glad to have them there, because while I was waiting to get started in the lobby, I saw so many people rolling their IV poles and wearing their headscarves, hats and wigs and I had a few moments of weakness. Without my entourage I am sure there would have been more than a few.

I was home yesterday by 5pm after arriving at 7:45 am to get started with labs and getting some scripts from the Doc. We started the chemo about 9:30 and that took a little longer than they anticipated as I continued to have some reactions to the first drug Rituxin. We had to stop and start so my throat would stop feeling like it would close, and then I was covered in chills and running a fever, all so quickly! But we finally (like I did anything other than sit in a recliner!) got that one moving and after starting a second line we were able to get the other 4 (maybe 5?) drugs in. I came home with a huge appetite to which Sam satiated instantly by bringing one of my favorite home cooked meals - country style steak, mashed potatoes and broccoli! YUM!! Sleep was a tad more difficult as the steroids have got me slightly on edge, so at 7am (and that is EARLY!! for ME) I was out of the bed with a grumbling tummy and ready for breakfast.

I am still feeling well and planning to do a little work today as tomorrow and Thursday are expected to be the days were I feel the worst. Today, I plan to have my hairpiece made (if there is enough left from what was cut off) and then I will go get a shot to help rebuild my white blood count which is lowered my the chemo. So...as for now, I am doing fabulous and smiling. I love sitting to write this, while a tad awkward, I am so comforted to know that so many caring peeps are wanting to know how I am. So as long as you have time to read, I got time to write!

Love.

~M

Hmmm, this is new to me. But here goes...

2007-08-18T21:02:00.000-07:00

Larry and I have been trying to find the best possible way to let all the wonderful people who care so deeply about us know how this crazy journey is going. We were given the fabulous idea of using a blog so that friends and family can stay up to date on how my treatments are going. I am not sure how much will be disclosed here, or how often, but I do hope that it will be a place where I can let all of you know how I am, how I feel and how much I appreciate your thoughts, prayers, concerns, and love.

To get the ball rolling:

Chemo starts on Monday and I am feeling about as nervous as one could imagine, but I have spent the weekend eating all of the foods I'm not allowed to as of D-day, laughing, giggling, smiling and just all around feeling loved. I will visit with my Dad and kids from out of town tomorrow and hopefully get a decent nights sleep and then...well, then it all starts. Part of my entourage (Mom, Lar, Jess and Laura Ashely) will be my steadfast companions for the day and I can't tell you how grateful I am for that. I will likely give you all an update on Monday as I sit there for about 8 hours getting all that good stuff and I doubt I can read for that long or listen to music, or knit scarves. So...until I figure out how to update this crazy internet blog thinguhmajig, thank you all for being so incredibly wonderful. I love you and I could not have endured the first half of this journey without you and I certainly could not complete it.

~M